a letter to me…. on those hard days, when I want to hide under the covers.

 I am writing a letter to myself.

Because….sometimes in the midst of the hard hard days…..in the midst of foggy moments.

 Sometimes I will fantasize about 8 long, tranquil, quiet hours to myself.

I will think about a cup of tea that only needs to be warmed up once in the microwave because I get to drink it in one sitting.

And, I will sinfully admit that I would love to stay under my covers and watch Good Morning America and Kelly and Regis (wait, its not Regis anymore, is it) with no disruptions. Sad…I  know.

I think how great it would be to read a book cover to cover without any interruption.

Oh! and to meet a friend for coffee. *wait, I don’t drink coffee….but, you get what I mean!!*

Sometimes I will dream about shuffling adorable blonde little heads up the cold steps of a yellow bus and waving to them from a fogged up window as I do cartwheels up my sidewalk towards my front door and shout “FREEDOM” and return to a quiet home and imagine the blessing of someone else dealing with them for the day.

But, then….

I would miss. so. much.

My inspiration would be gone.

All those little hearts would be out of my jurisdiction for more hours that I am comfortable with.

See, I’ve been on this side for almost a decade. I’ve seen the blessing. I witnessed the fruit.

I’ve nurtured their hearts. I’ve gotten to see so much beautiful change right before my very eyes.

I often laugh when people will say, “wow, you are so patient to be able to homeschool all those kids!!”

I will usually say *as I giggle to myself*, “ummmm, not really…not at all!!”  (why don’t you step into my home tomorrow and witness for yourself!)

Nope, homeschooling only exposes my LACK of patience and makes me that much more aware of my need for a Savior. And, that much more aware of my need to say, “I’m sorry” many times a day.

Oh boy, only in Him! That amazing Jesus who gives strength to the weary, and power to the weak,that I can do this.

I so admire the traditional -school moms who have it together in the evenings and run their homes like a ship! How do you do it??

 Especially, those that also work 8-9 hours a day!

They can keep track of each child that is going in various directions with their class/homework assignment/teacher/paper/book report/forms to be signed/lunches to be packed/school rooms to volunteer in/PTA volunteering/birthday cupcakes to be made.

Makes me tired just imagining it all!

You are amazing, moms. And you inspire me greatly. So,press on. Your strengths are different from mine, and I learn so much by watching you.

 Isn’t it just so awesome how God gives different gifts to different moms. I guess its our resposibility to find out what those callings and heart-burdens are.

Where are our hearts bent?

What’s the fire in your belly that you can’t ignore? Because, “THAT’S what you are supposed be doing?”

To live with no regrets.

To forge ahead on that path, that individual purpous and personal path that God has for each family., that HE’s written on YOUR heart….”for today”.

Each of us have unique convictions that we must follow….they were not put there for us to compare with one another or judge one another with. They were put there so that we could discover God’s special and unique blue-print for your family.
When you find that sweet spot….you must stay the course!

Or the regrets come. And, the “what if I had….” thoughts torture us.

 For me.  One way I am NOT BENT….is the evening hours.

I am just not wired to be “on par” at 5pm at night. Cause, at 5pm at night, this family is a chillin’…this momma is done. No more thinking.

I am not wired to have my children going in five different directions at once.

I am glad we get a taste of that on thursdays at our homeschooling co-op.

But, the other days of the week. I need them all under one roof, our roof…learning together. I  love teaching them.

They will have the other 3/4 of their life to go in separate directions and to live  life separately from each other.

Today, these years, we’re stickin’ together and makin’ memories.

So, what’s it look like??

….You will see that usually each day is pretty low- key. We may still be prancing around in our jammies at 2:00 in the afternoon at 11 am. in the morning.

You may get a glimpse of our table time together (when I finally am able to pull them all together in the mornings) and we’ll be reading our latest bible or history adventure.

You may witness a few of our crazy crafts which usually end up taking way too much time that I didn’t plan for.

BEAN ART!

creating our rainbow melted bead  bowls

the finished products! SO COOL!

our fun experiment to see what would happen if you put IVORY soap in the microwave!

Tie-dying our “shirt of many colors” after reading the story of Joseph from the BIBLE.

mummifying barbie 🙂 (cousin Michaela got to join in that day!)

she loves to cut with scissors!

Crafts usually put us behind on our day! But, they are so much fun.

 I always under estimate the time something takes!

But, see….TIME is what we have with homeschooling.

Oh, and you may catch me downstairs in the school room schooling a younger child while a toddler plays kitchen and blocks and pulls at me and climbs all over the table and  spills water everywhere plays puzzles at my feet. While upstairs you will find a few older kids fighting over who gets the biggest and best computer for math working individually at the computer or fighting over the IPAD doing a spelling lesson on a cozy couch in the corner of the room.

Yeah, I paint a pretty picture, but you and me both know that the days are never. ever. ever. perfect. EVER.

However, there is an undercurrent of peace….. of course…..ahem….  even when there is refereeing needed to be handled between two or three or four disagreeing kids! :0 (that’s when you may see the not so patient mom come out)

The peace I am talking about is the knowing that I am doing what I am “supposed to be doing”…following what the Lord has written on my heart. That is my foundation in those yucky times when all is not going well.

 Because I have the time to address the heart issues in those moments.

In those moments, schooling gets put on the back-burner and life lessons are learned.Heart issues are faced.

Wrongs are admitted, forgiveness is sought, relationships are restored.

But, I admit. As hard as homeschooling gets sometimes, I love it. I love the slow life.  I can’t imagine another way.

 The days aren’t perfect, but because I have time with my children, I try to never let a perfect moment pass me by.

I soak in every last juicy drop of that fleeting moment. As if it will all be taken from me in a flash.

I guess that’s why I take so many photos. (hello Instagram..aka… new love of my life)

I want to freeze time, to still the perfect fleeting moments that I discover among the crazy chaos of a typical family day with five siblings.

I  GET to do that with homeschooling.

So, for now I will press on….even when it’s hard.

And, of course keep taking pictures! Cause I need those reminders of why I stay the course.

Short of a written message in the sky from the Lord (and I don’t doubt that He could do that), I could never cross over to the other side, a side where many children do  flourish, but yet…where I have not been directed to as of yet.

 God has placed a specific desire and calling on my heart that I can’t ignore or turn away from.

Even though I’ve learned in life to never say never. EVER.

At any moment everything could change. And, God could change our paths in an instant. (Because He can)

Though, for now…..I’m just not willing to share them.

Nope.

I’m not willing to let the strong sibling bonds fade with the crowding out of separate classrooms and 8 hours of divided grade level learning.

I’ve seen too much good come out of this thing called homeschooling.

Call it selfish. Call it overprotective. Call it sheltering.

No, I’ll call it sheltering.

Yes, I want to shelter my children for as long as I can. The world is a tough, tough place for their growing, tender, vulnerable and impressionable hearts.

They get plenty of opportunities to see that for themselves.

I want to be the one to impress them. I want to impress their hearts with God’s story. I want to take every moment I can to teach them how beautifully unique each of of them is, and teach them all about the One who created them with unique gifts for a special purpose in this world.

I want to use every moment I can find to point them to the one who loves and adores them so much that He rescued them from a life without hope. And planned out every detail of their lives before they were even created.

I want to get to their hearts before the world does.

I want to be the one who shapes their world view, with the truth….not watered down versions of wordly philosophies.

I want to be the one who catches those moments, those beautiful moments that scream louder than the cluttered chaos of a noisy life.

 I am thankful

 and so……I shall stay the course.

ONE YEAR AT A TIME. ONE DAY AT A TIME. ONE MOMENT (as imperfect as it is) AT A TIME.

Love,
A mom, on a stressful day, who needs a tender reminder.

  “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom. The knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.” (prov. 9:10)