Welcome!
Thank you for taking the time to stop by and read my heart! This is the space that I truly lay it all down: all the messy, all the broken and all the beautiful. And Just a little word of caution before you proceed: I can’t help myself from going deep and writing so many words (I have not been given the gift of brevity! ha). There are just not enough words to write the depth of language that I want to express. So, my prayer is that you stay and linger a while and lean in close to my story that I let flow out of my heart of all the valleys and all the mountains. If you like to go deep and get honest, you found the right person to hang with. I am so glad you came by!
I will also gently warn you that I am not good with surface talk. I may fake it in actual real life just to survive what sometimes feels like I am living on another planet and speaking another language. But not here….not this space. This is where I can be honest. This is where I can get real. And, since experiencing the greatest pain imaginable, living every day with the deepest sorrow from having to walk my 6 year baby girl to heaven, I am not the best with “lighter conversations or lighter blog posts” …..this world feels a little extra too broken now for me to just talk about the superficial things that truly do not matter in the eternal perspective… So, if you, like me, are familiar with the broken path or walk close to someone who is busted up, then I invite you to come inside and sit with me to unearth LIFE and LIGHT from the darkest wasteland… and watch How God brings beauty from brokenness one small glorious glimpse at a time….
Here’s a little bit about me….
- I am broken
- I am blessed.
My Name is Johanna (most people who I love call me JO!) and I am a messy daughter of the King who has been adopted and renamed by GOD and His unshakeable HOPE…without HOPE, I would not be here. My identity is in my Jesus.
I am broken.
I have been held by a sustaining Grace and have come to experience a new Light in my deepest darkness. I am learning how to limp with grief legs under me and how to let Truth carry me in the many moments when I fall and can’t stand or walk at all.
I am learning to not fear pain, but to embrace it.
He carries me.
I am learning how to navigate a new wilderness and how to dig for Truth from a barren earth…
I am learning what it means to trust a God who is sovereign and Good when it does not feel good to trust Him…..When you did not get your happy ending, your prayer answered, your mountain moved or your daughter healed…
I am getting to know my Jesus in a new intimate way, the way through sorrow. I am leaning in to the ONE who is acquainted with all my sorrows. The one who bleeds in a broken garden with me.
I am learning the song of LAMENT.
I am learning that there is a bigger story than what I can see…
I am learning how to walk blind….how to reach for the unseen and how to dance in the dark to the songs of both JOY and Sorrow.
I am learning to listen to a voice that breaks through every darkness.
I am learning how to unearth WILD HOPE from the depths of a wasteland….
I am learning to SEE with new eyes. I am learning how to sing my night-song.
I am learning to lay down the idol of people pleasing as I find the freedom in living for the audience of one.
I am learning to reject shame and condemnation from the world and let God’s voice be BIGGER.
I am learning how to limp forward with ache and joy.
Each day I rise to witness a new Goodness in the land of the Living.… while grieving and aching for my old goodness…..
Each day I ache for wholeness.
Each day I pray for the courage to face the darkness…
Each day I cling to the cross while falling to the floor….
Each day I re-surrender to a story I did not choose.
Each day I try to lean into the one who is writing the story when the chapter made no sense at all.
Especially those pages where My faith was shattered.
I am living in a chapter where my faith is being rebuilt on deeper truth.
I am being challenged to use my voice and pen to steward God’s sacred story of HOPE through a beautiful warrior, my Gia-Bia. I am recording both the dark and the light.
I am being re-constructed within my wilderness.
I have found that My deepest pain has birthed a new freedom.
I walk in a new freedom.
I am walking in a new courage (inspired by my baby girl, Gianna) and allowing God access to the painful places of my heart that I have kept hidden a way for over 40 years so He can perform surgery that I need.
I am learning how to walk in God’s grace of healing …. a lifelong journey until I hold my baby again
I am beloved. I am chosen. I am redeemed. I am Saved. I am no longer a slave to fear or to the acceptance of others or to the striving for perfect performance.
I come to Jesus just as I am. I give Him all my broken. He takes me just as I am.
I walk with invisible scars.
I am broken. I am blessed.
I dance to the music of sorrow and Joy.
I am blessed.
I am crazy in love with my family who humbles me each day. I am a Wife and mama of 8 children – 4 naturally and 4 “supernaturally” by the gift of adoption. My oldest two are in college, and we just brought home our 3 year old youngest baby girl from China in June of 2019 (our miracle of New life) with 5 silly kids in the middle. We live in Maryland on a little hobby farmette (childhood dream come true) with my amazing and funny husband, Brian, who’s a rockstar on his 12 string acoustic guitar an amazing chef and and just so super patient with My obsession with all things cute, furry and feathered. The majority of my time is spent giggling and playing with my children out on the farm, raising baby animals and taking a gazillion photos! I am an introvert at heart but value my close small circle of friends who have walked closely in the darkest season of my life.
Most of the time, I can be found pondering and planting colorful blooming treasures and catching butterflies in my Gia’s Victory Garden with my kiddos (unless it’s stupid winter, boo!) , or in the barnyard chasing our crazy goats and funny chickens, at my computer writing, or creating digital art prints for our Etsy shop inspired by our sparkly Gianna and our wild HOPE, or reading all the books I can get my hands on (thank GOD for Kindle)
I love eating a ridiculous amount of Chick-Fil-A ice (hello addiction), dipping all things in cheese fondue, and homeschooling my babies (for the past 16 years) and also teaching ESOL to children in China at dark-thirty in the morning (Yay for getting to visit China every day)!
I am a dreamer and a faith walker and living out a calling and passion that God has entrusted me to do. I am currently working on a book proposal for a children’s book and one for a memoir/non-fiction book that is written from the journey my family has been on the past few years of living out in the deep and following God’s leading and letting Him write the story. I hope, one day, to see these words that are scorched on my heart laid down on a physical published page to pass on to my future generations.
I never tire of sharing the story of my Gianna’s life and the miracles and all her bravery and all her sparkle. She has taught us so much about not letting fear keep you on the shore. To jump and follow God’s heart!
I speak often of my longing for heaven, as I remember that life here is but a vapor. Not a one of us knows when his or her last hour will be and that reality has never been more true to me.
I desire to speak up for the least of these and fight for those who are marginalized, because Jesus fights for me and died for me and called me His daughter. This overwhelming love that He pours out propels our hearts to love bigger. So, how else can one even live when you’ve been arrested by such love. I am an orphan and adoption advocate and feel called (along with my family) to be a voice for the precious broken ones who have little to no hope. We want to be a resource and encouragement for those who have questions and fears of walking a broken path (the path that leads to more) and jumping out into the deep and following God’s heart for those who wait for hope! We love to mentor and counsel couples who are considering adoption.
I am a lover of Spring and summer and hater of Winter. Fall is not too wonderful either for me (sorry all you pumpkin spice lovers) because here’s the deal ….yeah, I know pretty trees…. But those beautiful trees are dying. And, I know that this season precedes the dark cold and dead winter and that makes it feel just NOT okay with the season of FALL.
….more than ever…My heart craves eternal Spring.
I love to travel to beautiful destinations with my family …places that give us visible glimpses of heaven. And, Any place that allows an uninterrupted view of the sunrise and sunset over the water……or faraway mysterious ancient lands that hold hidden treasures. We love to travel to Places that tell stories of a God who is the God of all the lands and all the peoples. Places where we can see love and be Love and bring light to the darkness…. places that show us God’s heart for the world.
I love evening country road walks with my hubby, family movie nights with with piles of homemade stove-top popcorn with a side of Snowcaps and M&M’s. I live for early morning sunrises on the porch, hot green tea- coziness. and a good book under a soft blanket.
I love Downton Abbey marathons and starbucks dates with my teens and playing music obscenely loud and pretending I have an amazing voice as the actual amazing singers do, but really I just hope that their amazing voices will drown out my totally off-key notes! I look forward to sounding like Lauren Daigle in heaven one day!
Life is crazy in a family of all ages and stages and personalities and I love having a big wild family at all stages. It keeps me young and humble and on my knees.
Still, me and my introverted self tries to sneak away each day for a few moments of quiet to swing in our Nicaraguan hammock on the back porch or take a walk and get lost in the memories of a Life that was so dreamy and so much like paradise with so many answered prayers of earthly victory, before the dreams shattered into a million pieces on April 22, 2018.
I love to remember the miracles. before that terrible day when paradise was lost….when our Spring broke.
I love to close my eyes and return in my heart and remember the days when it was so easy to see God’s favor and blessing. When it was Spring every day, despite the seasons of winter that would come and pass…. it felt like Spring always stayed near. When He saved my baby through 6 open heart surgeries.
But, then He didn’t ….
and…
It is harder now, it is harder to see Spring in a broken garden. Life often feels like a never ending winter wilderness….. as we crawl forward.
But, I sit in this broken earth and I pick up my pen and I record and remember and reflect.
I am a child of GOD who feels a calling to write the story He has entrusted me with.
I write here is this space, from the wilderness. I write to steward the story that we don’t fully understand.
But, honestly I miss writing from the side of a victorious earthly story.
I miss writing from the mountain-top, but I will not be afraid to write from the valleys
I still write, I write now, though, as a changed person marked by grief (which is why I changed the name of our blog, you can read that story here)
I write from the wilderness.
I write to SEE… I write to testify. I write to lament. I write to remember. I write to CLAIM.
And they have defeated him by the blood of the Lamb
Revelation 12:11
and by their testimony.
And they did not love their lives so much
that they were afraid to die.
I write and I declare. And I share the story.
I desire to steward His story well.
I share from the wilderness to testify to a GOD who never leaves us, even in the deepest valley.
I write to unearth beauty…within my pain.
I share a story of a God who promises to rescue us from a wasteland…… Who chases us down with a NEW TOVA…..
Who blooms Wildflower HOPE in the most barren and emptiest of wastelands….
A GOD who says, Heaven wins. HOPE wins, even when we can not see HOPE.
HOPE saves.
Hope lights up the darkest night.
Hope is a balm and not a cure for earthly pain. Hope ignites a healing process that is only finished in Heaven. Hope does not remove pain or make grieving easier or take away the agonizing torture of being seperated from my baby, But HOPE keeps us limping forward, giving purpose to the pain, and believing for a Future Restoration.
I testify to TRUE HOPE…even from the deepest valley of shadows…. Even through the groaning, Even through the lamenting, through the tears…
even when…
even when He did not move the mountain.
Even when He did not DO. It. Again.
I testify to the ONE who says HE IS NOT DONE.
Because Eternal Spring is coming….and we run towards that promised sunrise. That promise brings light to the shadows.
I am a lover of my promised REDEMPTION….
therefore, I press forward, in all the ache and in all the glimpses of a “joy-coming”.. and limp towards my future glory!
I am a daughter of the King and forever remembering my HOPE and identity is in my Daddy in heaven who comes near to my broken heart and whispers His truth to my wounds.
I am rescued daily. I know no other way to move forward within such deep ache.
I have been arrested by His WILD HOPE.
**You can listen to my family’s story here on this podcast
