In a way, it seems silly to think that we “graduated” and are now qualified, in an educational sort of way, to adopt. Nevertheless, it was valuable information! It was so good to get it presented in another way then what I am used to: books. I read A LOT OF BOOKS, so most of the slide shows and PowerPoint presentations were all repeated information to me. But, rarely are Brian and I able to hear information at the same time concerning the subject of adoption (not since our summer adoption bible study group). Mostly what I learn, I learn from my insatiable reading habits and then share it with Brian and we discuss it. So, it was refreshing to sit back, have our eyes opened and be fed together.
We arrived there at 9am and sat down at a table which soon filled with fellow adopting couples. There were about 15 other couples all together in the room. God is so awesome, because he knows me and Brian. We need to have fun and laugh. So, we ended up sitting with two VERY FUN couples who were very much like us. They like to laugh and crack light-hearted jokes. It made the day , and friendships were born! In fact, my stomach hurt from laughing so hard at times. One of the couples at our table were in the middle of their third adoption, second one from China! I was so thrilled to just pick her brain!! And, I met another couple who are at the same stage as us in adopting a child from China, we could very well travel at the same time! So awesome!
So, the seminar was filled to the brim with various topics: infertility(this obviously didn’t apply to us) ;),attachment issues, bonding, multicultural and trans racial adoption issues, openly sharing your child’s true story with them etc….. All great info to be aware of in this journey. I enjoyed the small group discussion time that followed the presentations….I LOVE to process info with other adopting parents!
But, I have to say….the most powerful part of the day was not the information and statistics and facts (as good as they were). It was the guest speakers. They blessed my socks off! I appreciated how real and honest they were. There were no masks and they shared from their hearts, sometimes through tears. I learned more from their stories than I could from any PowerPoint presentation.
The first girl who shared with us was a birth mom who had given her child up for adoption when she was 17 years old. She bravely shared her personal story. She had an open adoption plan and was still able to have an amazing relationship with her biological child. It was touching story of the fear and pain of discovering she was pregnant, battling with her mom, then making the selfless decision that it was best for her son to give him up. I respected her so much. Her story also highlighted the beauty of open adoptions when all parties put the interest of the child first.
Then, later there was a couple who brought in their baby and talked about their journey through domestic adoption. It was beautiful story as well.
But the story that prodded my heart the most was that of the next speaker: a beautiful 21 year old girl who was adopted from Columbia when she was just a baby. This story was probably the hardest one to hear, and I have been turning it over in my head for the past 48 hours. As a (soon to be) adoptive mom, I struggle with what she went through, yet I see God’s hand in her life in so many ways, which is so awesome. This girl, Susanna, was so precious and had a sweet spirit. She began her story with what it was like to grow up with white parents. She didn’t care, she obviously had always known she was adopted and she absolutely adored her adoptive parents.
Life was good in elementary school when kids don’t care about skin color. But, life got hard in middle school and girls got mean. She was harshly criticized and bullied by latin-american kids who said she wasn’t latin american “enough”. They called her a coconut (brown on the outside, and white on the inside). So so mean. She shared about how she would hide how hurt she was from her parents (who were very involved) to keep from hurting them. She would retreat inside herself and just got quiet. She wasn’t mad at them, she always believed that they did a good thing for her. She didn’t want them to feel guilty. But, she did start to have anger…..it was anger towards her birth mom. Even though her parents had always shared with her that her birth mom had made a selfless decision to give her up because she loved her, Susanna was still mad.
She, all of a sudden, had this distorted ideal in her head that this mom just irresponsibly went and got herself pregnant, then just left her problem on someone else’s doorstep to deal with while she went on her merry way! Suzanna, started to hate this image of who she thought her mom was…..she hated her and Colombia. She didn’t like how her mom just got to walk away from her problems, and here Susanna was left to deal with this layer of this emotional junk!
Well, her parents decided to take her and her brother (who was also from Colombia) to do a homeland tour with their agency. Of course, Susanna did NOT want to go!! She resisted all the way. But, God used this trip to break her and show mercy to her.
Her tour started with a visit to a birth mother’s shelter. This was a place where pregnant moms went to live till they had their babies to give up for adoption. Having a baby out of wedlock in Columbia is very unacceptable…and brings much shame to the family. Also, it is a very poor country and young mothers do not have the financial or emotional support to raise their babies alone. The birth mothers were given a chance to meet these adopted Colombian children. Susanna’s heart broke as she realized that these moms were her age, scared and their only concern was their well-being of the adopted children. She also cried as one of the birth moms asked if they hated them, they were scared the children “hated them”. Susanna was humbled. She knew they weren’t selfish, they were selfless and strong for giving them up.
She then visited an orphanage and saw first hand (this wasn’t planned) a young mom bringing in her baby and weeping over the fact that she had to give up her baby, that it was best for her baby. Susanna witnessed the agony that she went through to make this very hard decision. Susanna went over and hugged this mom and told her it was “ok”.
This trip was a turning point in her life. Susanna got to see her own file. She learned the hard, true story of her birth mom. She realized that her birth mom was a brave young girl and had made the hard and selfless decision for her, so she could have a better life. Susanna was now confident in who she was, and because of her confidence she was able to stand up to ridicule. She knew her identity and her past. She knew she was loved…loved enough to be sacrificially given up. She was changed.
In fact, she is attending college to be a social worker one day and help others. She even wants to go back one day and adopt from her homeland. Its a redeeming story of a young girl discovering her own beautiful story for herself….and how God compassionately broke her heart for her birth mom, and how He allowed her to see with eyes of mercy and forgiveness. A story of how her heart was healed with the balm of compassion and understanding.
We were then allowed to ask questions. Someone asked how the mom dealt with the pain of seeing her daughter go through such a hard time in school. Her mom shared that it definitely broke her heart. I can imagine it was such a crushing pain! But, she also said that sadly Susanna was really good at hiding how hurt she was. So, she didn’t know half of what she was feeling till afterwards. I appreciated her honesty. Susanna said she didn’t want her parents to know, because she didn’t want to make them feel bad for doing a “good thing.” She loved them very much. She thought to herself, “It wasn’t their fault she was hurting!”
This is the part I really struggle with. As much as I have been told and have read of how important it is to recognize the “broken-ness” that a child who has been adopted can go through in their own walk, it was this story that hit home. Susanna struggled with anger and the feelings of rejection. So heartbreaking!!! As a mom, how do you heal this kind of hurt in your child? No one wants to see their child hurt in such a way. I keep thinking, thank God for that trip to Columbia where the Lord just took over to heal Susanna’s broken heart. But,what if there had been no trip? Would she have always been mad and angry?? Oh, to think how different her life would have turned out to be eaten alive with resentment and anger. Her life would have taken a different path….and, I imagine, not a good one.
These are hard stories to hear, but so so so valuable. See I am the kind of person who sees everything through rosy- colored glasses. This can be wonderful, because it allows me to step out in faith and not be leashed by fears of what-if’s! But, it can also keep me from seeing the reality of things. Sometimes, the harsh realities can bind and paralyze us from acting with mercy.
This is the exact reason that I considered Susanna’s story as a gift. It helped me to be more aware of the heart of an adopted child, and her story helps me to understand the harsh realities of adoption. Most importantly, it taught be how to better pray for our new daughter and the road of life she’ll be on and how we, as parents, can be better prepared for it. Honestly, I am scared. I don’t want her to ever experience pain or heartache associated with knowing her past (which we will openly share with her). I don’t want her to have tears of sadness or heartache for things I can’t fix? I don’t want her feelings hurt from ignorant people. No matter how much we love on her, our dear daughter, the fact remains the she could one day have a broken heart. In fact, all our children could experience great pain…..but, it doesn’t keep us from deciding to be parents. Just as the fear of the “what if’s” can not stop us from stepping out and rescuing an orphaned child. The fact remains that the life of an orphan is without hope and security and real love, and adoption brings hope and love to a child without a family. It shows mercy. It’s the gospel visible.
The truth of the matter is this, we live in a broken world. I hate it!! From the time that Adam and Eve sinned in the garden of Eden everything went wrong. Because of this the world is not as it was intended to be. There should not be any sin, any sickness, any sadness, any lonliness, any orphaned child, any death at all. But, sadly, there is. The good news is that the world will be made right again. God promised in His word that He will redeem it. He sent Jesus to rescue us! And, he will be BACK one day to restore that which is broken!!!
Till then, we are called to be Jesus’ hands and feet, and to bring light to the darkness. To point others to the ONE who brings hope and salvation. We are to show mercy, because mercy has been greatly shown to us. It says in Matthew 25:35-40
“For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’”
We are not called to live in fear of helping because it will be hard or inconvenient, we are called to step out in compassion for those that are hurting and lost. We are not promised that it will be easy. We are called to obey, and we do it because of what he did for us. Look at Jesus, he had to shed his blood….WHAT A SACRIFICE!!!! If my Lord, who would do this for me, endured such pain . Then I am called to step out, even though hard times can come!
I still believe adoption will be one of the best and most beautiful blessings ever, but I am saying that it could be hard at times. It won’t all be butterflies and flowers. There could very well be pain and sacrifice. But, the most beautiful blessings come out of hard times. God is in the business of bringing beauty from ashes.
So, with all this rambling….what’s my conclusion??? It is this: my rosy colored glasses my faith in the one true God and his promises tell me that whatever hard challenges we face as a family in this calling of adoption, it will be all worth it and the beauty and eternal blessing of it all will far outweigh the hard times, inconveniences, and all the unknowns. He has had this planned before the beginning of time, He knows what He is doing. I trust Him.
Please pray that the Lord continues to prepare our hearts! I can’t wait to see what He has in store!
Thanks for sharing Jo. What a sad(crying here) but beautiful story. I'll be praying along with you.
Beautiful Jo! I can not wait for your daughter to come home!! Btw- told ya you'd have a blast on Sat.!! 😉