Desperate….

….”The lifetime commitment that is motherhood will, many days, stretch you beyond what you think you can handle.”
(quotes from book:: Desperate)

I am reading a book right now….and it’s proving to come at the perfect time. The book’s title is Desperate:Hope for the mom who needs to breathe.

and, it’s doing just that….whispering commiserating, validating, and hope-filled words to my heart. 

If you are a mom who needs some hope whispered to her heart….please run NOW to the store, or push CLICK now to upload this book.

This season of my life is proving to be very hard. Not sure I will survive it.

Surprisingly, it even feels harder then when my oldest four were all babies at the same time (4 kiddies under 5).

Maybe not, maybe I just block out all the bad stuff. Maybe that’s extra grace in my life?

All I know is that  what I am dealing with, in “this” season of motherhood, I know I certainly didn’t have to deal with then.
It just seemed easier then, more black and white.
It’s not just one child, or just one issue, for that matter. It’s the combination of many  issues.

 some of these issues are:

Post traumatic Stress Disorder in adopted children (being home for one year doesn’t fix everything, unfortunately)

Childhood anxieties

Childhood fears

Childhood insomnia

 It’s the combination of many overwhelming emotional needs. If you are a parent, you know what I am talking about.
You feel stretched like silly putty in all directions.

It’s exhausting.
It’s complicated.
It’s not easily fixed with night-time parenting strategies, (contrary to what many “good intentioned” advice givers may say”)…been there, tried that!

It’s a marathon…not a sprint.

But, oh how my selfish heart wants to skip all “this” investing in sensitive and anxious hearts…..and get back to our “Happy Place” of  easy nighttime sanctuaries.

(insert mommy-whine) Oh how I miss “my time” at night. I miss the “easy 1,2,3 tuck, pray, hug, kiss……GOODNIGHT! I AM FREE for 12 hours….WOOHOO…. kinda nights.”

It’s just not that season for me right now.
Its simply not that way for a couple of my children.

 These certain issues run deep and are taking extra measures of grace, love and compassion……and I need to surrender to that reality of this season of life.

(sigh)
 By surrendering to it (and I don’t mean, the kind of “giving up” surrender. I am talking the kind of surrender that recognizes my motherhood need to step UP and love with extra doses of grace)… It means dying to my “time at night” so I can  hold a child extra longer, open my bed to the one whose fears are overwhelming them, answer the multitude of midnight cries….

When I let go…… I find myself in a more peaceful place where I can give more.  By letting go of my “vision and expectations” I am free to meet my children’s hearts where they are.

This is the daily struggle: giving up my “ways” and meeting them, their hearts …..where they are.

It is hard.
Sometimes I fail at the sensitive, loving, and understanding role.
Sometimes I lose my cool.
I hate that…..

When I fail at loving them like I need to, I cling to His Grace and forgiveness.

I press on. I have to……

….”That maybe it all comes down to this: if I make God first and am most satisfied in His love, I’m released to love my children fully and most satisfactorily”
(Quote from: Desperate)