Many of us learned, somewhere along the way, that pain was something to run from. That it was wrong to feel pain, or at least, to complain about pain. We learned that suffering is to be avoided. We learned to fix pain, and numb it and distract ourselves from it so we can just “be happy!” Because “Happy” was more accepted.
I believe Our culture, in fact, has little tolerance for pain and wants to cure it and make it all better so it does not disrupt life too much or make anyone too uncomfortable.
But, God has something different to say. He says that we will have pain in this world… and that the pain is producing something of glory.
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. (2 Cor. 4:17)
Dear friends, don’t be surprised or shocked that you are going through testing that is like walking through fire. 13 Be glad for the chance to suffer as Christ suffered. It will prepare you for even greater happiness when he makes his glorious return. (1 peter 4:12-13)
So if pain has purpose, it makes sense that we should not hide it or avoid it or pretend it away, not from others..and certainly not from God. I have learned that deep sorrow, suffering and pain is not meant to be fixed, but meant to be fully felt. Emotion is meant to move through you…. and out of you…and towards something. There is meaning in feeling the pain and fully voicing the sorrow, especially towards God.
Because without knowing pain and suffering, how can we truly know Jesus, the man of all sorrows?
Pain can be a holy pathway to the heart of God, if we allow ourselves to embrace our greatest suffering and our greatest doubts and bring all our ache to God without shame.
When I was a little girl, I carried so much pain from many different circumstances. I was sad and angry inside but hid it often with a facade of a bubbly act because I recognized early that people were happy with me when I was super happy. But, many did not know that I carried so much pain for most of my childhood for different reasons. I carried a lot of hurt. I was bullied at school verbally and emotionally for many years, my home environment was unstable and I often felt lonely. As a result, I felt unseen, unattractive, ashamed and rejected. Maybe some of you can relate to some or all of those childhood feelings. I know they are not uncommon. So many of us are victims of a broken world. Suffering is the common thread of the human race. Pain and sorrow are inevitable.
But, the problem was not so much the fact that I had pain but rather the real damage was that I kept all of this pain so bottled up inside me and avoided the “feeling” of sorrow at all costs. I was scared to engage my own pain or reveal it. I was ashamed of how I felt. I thought that if I did not give it attention then it would go away. I did not want to make others feel bad for the hurt I carried. I never learned to vent aloud or to process my pain with anyone until I was an adult and started to see the damage that stuffing does. I never learned to engage my hurt, but instead, overtime, I learned to stuff it down, where eventually it just squeezes out sideways in the forms of unhealthy behaviors that I have been unlearning my whole adult life. God has used this to humble me greatly.
I did not understand the importance of making space for my own broken parts. I did not want to be a burden or to seem petty to anyone else and surely not to God. I can’t say that anyone directly taught me this, it just became what it was. I felt ashamed of showing that I was struggling in certain areas. And. it was this lie that enslaved me. This lie of shame always kept me at arms’ distance from others and most importantly, from God. I wish I had learned to open up more and reach out more.
Just like these “self-protective walls” that made it difficult for me to form true relationships with those around me, I fell into these same patterns with my God. I felt distant from Him. How can we ever have intimacy with someone who we do not fully open up to…without the fear of losing love without the fear of disappointing them? It is just not possible. If you do not feel safe to be real with someone, then there is no need in investing in a messy relationship.
There are so many models in Scripture of people who cry out to God in their pain! David, in psalms, was not afraid to voice all his hurt even though he was a “man after God’s own heart!” That would lead us to believe that crying out and being honest with your feelings is proof of a vital, living and active relationship based on unconditional love. And, scripture shows us that is exactly what God wants from us. God does not want robots. He wants all of us. All our broken and all our mess, all our humanity and all our weaknesses. He wants us to be honest and bring Him everything….because He loves us unconditionally. How can we feel His strength and love if we are not honest with our hurt?
Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. (2 Cor. 12:9)
I have walked the deepest midnight of my soul. It was only when I experienced my greatest suffering, that I learned to fully face the depths of my greatest sorrow and anger…. without shame. God used the greatest pain in my life to eventually teach me His unconditional love. But, this was not a shiny and pretty process and it is a continual process of leaning upon God’s grace within my grief.
I heard a quote by one of my favorite writers/preachers and it resonated with me in this wilderness season of life:
“The way to true intimacy with God is not to live on the mountain-top but is to get to know His faithfulness in the valley……Today, if my faith in God is here, it is not because I stayed “here”, it is because I continued to wrestle and embrace through the valley to have it be stronger with God ” -Craig Groeschel
Maybe, like me, you initially found yourselves in a “crisis of belief” where you found that you felt God pulled away because you may have whispered (or yelled) your doubts to him. I am here to encourage you with a beautiful truth of HOPE:
It is through the wrestling and embracing that you can find a deeper level of intimacy with God.
This was a treasure that I unearthed from my blackest and darkest night of my soul. For myself, I discovered a deeper and truer relationship with God that I never knew before, by doing all the things I thought you were not supposed to do if you were a “faithful Christian.” I found myself yelling at Him and telling Him how He hurt me and confessing that I did not understand why He could not move that mountain when we SO believed that He would! When so many were watching! I could see myself throwing air punches right into God’s chest. Something about deep grief took all my filters away that I had used my whole life. But, there was a beautiful freedom that I found in being super honest with God.
Because when life falls apart, and we fall apart, God does not fall apart. He is unchanging. He is steadfast and He bends low to hear our cries.
It was a brisk early spring day in Boston…. just after Easter. Our 6 year old, Gianna, was on ECMO and getting ready to be taken into her 7th Open Heart Surgery and a lung lobectomy. The doctors called this their hail-Mary plan (after a sudden cardiac arrest at home, and an emergency 6th heart surgery that caused bleeding lungs for three weeks). She had been fighting for her life for 3 weeks and we experienced miracle after miracle of her surviving and God saving. But, then….just as we were awaiting her miracle life-saving surgery, she suffered a massive brain bleed that ultimately took her life. God did not heal her on earth and we were slayed.
We were devastated and confused because 1000’s of friends and prayer warriors across the world had prayed….and God did not “do it again.” as we SO believed He would. We fell apart and I have no idea how I, or my family, did the impossible things you have to do when your child dies in a hospital so many miles away from home. God tenderly and faithfully carried us through the Hell and fire and we absolutely clung to Him.
But, when I got home from the hospital and saw my house achingly empty of her sparkly presence, and I saw her backpack hanging on the hook ready for her next day of school, and I saw her shoes flopped on the laundry floor still dirty from farm shenanigans of weeks before, and her dirty shirt that was waiting to be washed. When I saw her school pages ready for the next lesson….and her toothbrush waiting for tiny hands to grab it and sing a song about clean teeth. When I saw the palpable void and felt her absence stab my heart…..
When I saw that my baby had literally been raptured from my life before my very eyes, the agony choked every bit of faith (what I thought faith was) out of me and I fell to my knees and screamed until I had no voice, I cried until I had no tears. And, In not so many nice words, I told my God that I did not agree with Him and how could I trust a God who would hurt me so deeply and that I felt so rejected by Him…how could I ever trust again?
I felt betrayed by my daddy in heaven and I just wanted my baby back! “Why couldn’t you save her!!!!!”
“Why couldn’t you show your glory!”
“You say you are good, but this is NOT GOOD!!!!”
And, that (in a nutshell) was my prayer life in the valley of the shadow of death….
However, it was this raw and honest and messy and gritty prayer life that saved me. This questioning was not lack of faith, but rather the pressing into my faith….And, in the pressing, He never let me Go. His love is not based on our performance.
He did not shame me or pull away from me. I felt Him close, because I felt free to yell out my pain and then after draining my eyes, losing my voice, I would fall to the floor in utter depravity and I would be still and He would speak to my heart. And, I tangibly felt His presence. He embraced all my broken pieces.
It was in the raw and honest wrestling that His unrelenting embrace was being incarnated in my life.
I discovered, for the first time in my life, a God who holds on when we can not. A God who wants all our brutal honesty, because He knows every fiber of our DNA and every corner of our thoughts anyway. I came to know my God in a way I never knew Him before. I discovered unconditional love like I never knew before. I unearthed a Hope. I found a pursuing God who wants ALL of me and a God who does not shame me when I am not saying all the right words or doing all the right things. I found an unrelenting, fierce GOD who crawls into the pit with us and lets us bang on His chest and scream at His face within the midnight of our souls.
I found a God who does not belittle me for being broken, but who’s tears mix with mine and hangs on tightly to me while I wrestle.
I found a God who is not afraid of our uncensored anger, but who listens and gives space for all the ache.
I found a God whose unshakeable love does not waiver or shift as we stumble and kick and scream and resist and disagree.
I found freedom in my night song.
Like Job, Habakuk, David and Elijah, I unearthed the power of LAMENT.
I found God right there in the valley with me…a God who hunts us down with His unwavering love as we wrestle through all the broken pieces straight to His heart. In my greatest pain, I was the most broken.
It is that Brokenness which leads us straight to His also breaking heart. Lament leads me straight to His arms, because after I would lash out all my hurt and disappointment, I would just be still and then I was so tired and so drained, I was able to hear His still small whisper. You can not wrestle, without being close.
He would whisper truth to my deepest pain. I was able to survive because I was not only willing to wrestle, but I was willing to listen….
This built my intimacy with my creator. He never shamed me. I was free to be broken, so I was free to be held, which allowed me to feel His presence. I was free to tell Him how He hurt me and free to speak all my doubt. Had I not engaged my pain, I could not have felt His still voice singing a song of Hope to my busted up heart.
Pain was my pathway to eventual praise.
Walking through Hell’s fire led me to the incarnation of my infallible HOPE.
I share this today because I know so many people who are walking their own valleys and perhaps you have tried your whole life to “live as a good Christian” and you feel betrayed or maybe confused by the circumstances that contradict what a “Good God” should do …and maybe you also feel ashamed because you are not “enduring and trusting” with a quiet and surrendering spirit and you feel so lost and confused and doubtful. I am here to tell you that God is not the author of shame. Satan is the one who shames us. When satan says, “God has rejected you and your imperfect faith!!’ ….God whispers, ” come to me… COME TO ME all who are weary and I will give you rest.” (Matt. 11:28)
You may feel lost in the dark, my friend. If you feel lost, my prayer is that you bring Him all your heart, all your broken, and all you anger and all your disappointment and all your imperfections and all your doubts. Allow all the protesting to make you run straight to HIS embrace, not away.
Allow your doubt to draw you closer. Allow your doubts to make you dig for answers.
And remember, Lament is an act of faith….not a failure of Faith.
David taught us this vital truth through his sacred Psalms.
When Gianna went to heaven, it was the book of Psalms that helped me learn to cry out to GOD and to listen to God. I was encouraged when I learned that 1/3 of psalms were written with the purpose of lament and complaint. Lament is integral to our faith.
How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall. (psalm 13 1-4)
David was able to vent out his frustrations because He trusted in God’s unending love and was aching for answers. He did not fear losing God’s love with his questioning and complaining…. We can not lose His love. Isn’t that amazing!! Just because we are mad at God, does not mean He is mad at us! He says: COME.
no shame.
Lament grew his ability to listen because He rested in God’s truth while also voicing his pain.
In fact, after venting his frustrations, he finishes up his song of lament in Psalm 13 with a declarative of trust and a call to praise and a remembrance of God’s goodness, even if he does not feel it in that moment! He ended with a sacrifice of praise. He states truth, He listens for Truth. After we have cried out, there becomes supernatural space to be still and ‘listen,”….
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the Lord’s praise,
for he has been good to me. (psalm 13: 6)
And, just because it is only 6 verses, we have no idea how long it took David to get to that point! It could have been days or even weeks! The fact remains that He could not go directly to praise or a declarative of truth without going through the process of lament. You can feel the whole tone and narrative of the Psalm shift because he made space to lament which allowed him to draw near to God and, therefore, God supernaturally reminded him of His LOVE.
Lamenting melts away any walls that we build around our hearts that keep God out. Lamenting allows God to come close.
You can not feel His embrace within your agony, if you do not engage in the act of wrestling.
So many of these sacred Psalms follow the same narrative. You can feel the tension of pain, sorrow and surrender….. Of wrestling and embracing. It is not pretty! Faith is not pretty, ya’ll. It is messy and dirty and gritty!
Take a look at my friend Job:
The book of Job was a place that I lived for a long season of my wilderness and valley. Job was no stranger to grief. His pain was unimaginable. He lost everything, but He clung to God as he questioned, complained and dug for meaning to his suffering. Job did not let go because he wanted to see God in the midst of his suffering. Job had space and freedom to Lament, which engaged God in a conversation which ultimately brought spiritual healing for Job. In Job, we see a model of FAITH…. not Lack of faith. To protest against God shows faith. When we appeal to God based on His loving kindness which is contradicting how we see our circumstances, it is the evidence of faith in action. Job simply would not let go…despite deep deep suffering! He would not let go!
“It seems to me that we do not need to be taught how to lament since we have so many models in Scripture. What we need is simply the assurance that it’s okay to lament. We all carry deep within ourselves a pressurized reservoir of tears. It takes only the right key at the right time to unlock them. In God’s perfect time, these tears can be released to form a healing flood. That’s the beauty and the mystery of the prayer of lament.” – Michael Card
Faith is not passive. Faith is a verb. Faith is struggle. Sacred Truth is unearthed in the toil of our sweat and tears. Faith can not bloom without the work of breaking and pounding the soil of our wasteland. Faith gets very ugly! In fact, Job curses the day he was born and goes on to question God and His actions and intentions. It’s agonizing to read, and yet so comforting. But, do you notice what is going on….Job turns towards God, not away from Him in his agony. It is His many chapters of complaining that brings his heart ever closer to God’s voice.
We cry out not because we have no faith, but because we are so deeply invested in this relationship with our daddy in heaven that we feel hurt and so, we are engaging the hurt. He is so deeply invested in us and desires to hear all our heart. ALL of it! God is so incredibly in love with our whole messy selves that He sent Jesus to die for us, while we were still sinners. Our doubt and anger do not scare Him! He draws near.
“Lamenting keeps us engaged with God. When we lament, we invite God into our pain, so that we can know his comfort, and so that others can see that our faith is real. Our faith is not a façade we erect to convince ourselves and others that pain doesn’t hurt. Rather, it is an oak tree that can withstand the storms of doubt and pain in our lives, and grow stronger through them.” –Vaneetha Rendall Risner
And, after Job got through with his long lament, God responded and Job was silent. Job. Was. Silent. We have to make space for pouring out, and soaking in so we can see through a different Lens.
Only after God spoke (in chapters 38–41) did Job say, “I had heard of thee by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees thee” (42:5)
It was through the journey of Lament that Job’s eyes were opened.
Furthermore, Jesus was the ultimate example of faith. And, He hung on a cross (while enduring our sins) and said, my GOD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME! Even Jesus lamented! Our God is so in agreement with disappointment and with the brokenness of this world, that He allowed His very own heart to break to so we could be saved from everything that crushes us and slays us.
Maybe you are walking in your own wasteland and feel weary from confusion and despair and doubt and numbness and blindness?
My prayer is that you lean into your pain and that you engage the heart of GOD and allow your tears to be released to His heart. He is waiting to catch every sacred tear. Jesus’ arms are spread open wide. He says, “COME!”
He does not need our “happy, warm fuzzies.” Just perhaps Pivot and find Him waiting for you, waiting to catch you.
Get close to Him, bang on His chest until you feel your tears and sweat mix with His.
Do not fear the wrestling, so you do not miss the embracing.
I have discovered that, as so many teach us, you do not have to always praise Him in the storm, well….at least not right away….
because the act of Lament says that letting out the pain and allowing space for the struggle, is our sacred pathway to “eventual” praise.
Feeling and expressing the Hurt leads us to a depth of truer HOPE and realer relationship. HOPE does not waiver just because we do. God can catch all our doubts, and all our disappointments.
How long, Lord, must I call for help,
but you do not listen? (Hab 1:2)
When I came home from the hospital, I fell to the ground under a fallen tree (that a winter storm had destroyed just prior to Gianna going into cardiac arrest). I ran to that place of brokenness…my broken garden and I cried out! I wrestled. I lost my voice yelling out to my Jesus and questioning God’s ways, but…..then I was still (from sheer exhaustion) and I listened.
I heard God say in the closest thing to an audible voice: to dig a garden under that tree. Break ground around the broken tree stump and to watch Him. He needed to show me truth through creation. I did… I started that very day, with my kids, pounding the earth for answers. God knew I needed to tangibly wrestle the earth. And, this anointed garden (My Gianna’s garden) would eventually become our Watchtower to hear God’s voice within our valley. This sacred space became the place to wrestle and embrace and to SEE God. The place we would learn what it means to allow pain to grow our life and faith. To allow pain to birth purpose. Our garden became our symbol of God’s promises.
I will climb up to my watchtower and stand at my guardpost. There I will wait to see what the LORD says and how he will answer my complaint. (Hab 2:1)
Habakkuk is a whole book of lament. In fact, the name Habakkuk is translated to “wrestle and embrace.” He took a whole chapter to complain to God. Read chapter one, it is all there. But, in the beginning of chapter 2, he made a vow to then listen. Then, chapter 3 is where his faith is renewed and his trust is solidified ….because he made space to wrestle and embrace, then He was able to see God’s truth. The faith did not come from the answer that he wanted, but rather from a relationship and trust. He began to put faith in his eternal Hope when temporary life showed no Hope. That was the miracle of lament. Worshipping through sorrow, leads to revival. And, revival gives back life where death steals all your hope.
Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer’s; he makes me tread on my ihigh places. (Hab 3:17-19)
Are you in a wasteland with no blooms, or perhaps under your own broken tree? I am praying that you feel His tangible HOPE through your raw and messy act of crying out to God in your wilderness. Then, I am praying that you make space to hear His whisper and let truth destroy the lies that bring us to despair. Allow Truth to give your soul oxygen. When we let the tears flow on the heart of God, He gives us sight. And write what you hear…. these words are a map to a hidden treasure within the nighttime of your soul.
Run to the Psalms… run to the heroes of faith who wrestled and embraced. Turn to David, Job, Habakuk, Naomi, Lamentations and even Jesus in his garden just before His crucifixion!….. then, after you have poured out, take time to listen from your own “watchtower.” Listen for God’s response. He is so near.
I am praying that you hear His Truth whispered over the enemy’s lies. That you hear God speak to your sorrow.
And, when you have no strength to come, just be still…….. because, He is the hound of heaven! His whisper will find you if you stay still and listen.
I have learned that HE does not walk away, He comes closer TO YOU! He is fierce and will leave the 99 to come get that one lost lamb! You are that important. Your relationship is that important that HE wants to hear all your heart so He can respond. Make space to lament, Make space to listen.
He does not shame us, He pulls in closer and whispers a song of Hope!
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18 NIV)
It was in our greatest darkness that we came to understand the depth of our true living HOPE. Darkness led to light. And, this understanding of Truth unbolted us to live in light of eternity, within our earthly ache. Sorrow produced an eternal lens within our continual grief and ache. This choice to live for eternity unlocked our ears to God’s whisper and opened our eyes to His hand. Hearing truth in the depths of our valley changed the whole trajectory of our future.
In fact, It was in the valley of our intense pain, that God spoke vital, life-giving truth to our hearts almost exactly a year ago on what would be Gianna’s 7th birthday. What was the most painful day, also was a day of hearing God’s voice. Because the pain made us press in closer. I am so thankful we did not miss His whisper. God can use all the broken to bring so much beauty.
All His Grace within our grief. Because when we find the courage to wrestle with darkness, light finds a way to break through!
You can read that story of beauty from broken here….
If we had not felt the freedom to fully engage GOD and wrestle within our utter despair, we would have missed HIS TRUTH and His word to us…. We would have missed Tova (God’s goodness) in the land of the living. Had we not pressed into God’s heart in the valley of the shadow of death, then we would have missed how the deepest darkest pain can be birthed into the deepest outpouring and gift of HOPE and LIGHT. Pain births HOPE. God speaks Life when death feels like it is swallowing us up.
Truth is Hope and hope is a balm that keeps us moving forward.
Hope saves.
I want to be clear though, because sometimes truth and story can come off too prescriptive. There is no easy answer here. It is all relationship.
Though we are able to see God’s goodness in the land of the living, even within our wilderness, it does not take the pain of living without our Gianna away. There will always be grief, unanswered questions and doubt. But, this struggle continues to press us into God’s heart. My hope is that you allow your pain to draw you to His heart. The pain is what I offer to God every day. This is what pulls me closer to Him. Pain is a daily struggle for me, but Faith does not deny the pain. Faith presses in.
Your pain is not hidden.
Your Pain activates your faith….and, your Faith engages the heart of God over and over and over.
So, Wrestle …..and Embrace….over and over and over.
HOPE is found within the pain.
I am praying that, if you are in a dark season, you are able to let your greatest pain be released to the God who is big enough to handle all your feelings. It is the power of Lament which unlocks your ears to hear His whispers of Living Hope.
His deep abiding presence is unearthed in the trenches of all our pain.
God uses pain to birth Hope. It was our greatest pain that propelled us to start a new foundation in honor of our Gianna’s life. Her life is continually birthing new Hope. Life wins over death.
You can read more about it here
Also, Have you subscribed to my blog? I send out monthly newsletters and I also have a podcast that I am launching soon based on Psalms and stories. My purpose is that others, who carry pain, will journey with me into the heart of God and unearth wild Hope straight from the source of Truth.
Truth saved my life when all I could feel was death, and I want to share WILD Hope with others through raw stories from the wilderness that are framed with honest prayer, shared pain and conversations from Psalms. I will not sugarcoat sorrow or dismiss it away. However, this is a podcast about engaging pain with the artillery of TRUTH. This is a podcast about allowing our greatest sorrow to grow our souls within the pain. This will be a podcast that invites others into brokenness so they can see beauty….a ministry inspired by my brave Gianna and her garden, our “watchtower” to see through God’s eyes.
Be the first to know when my podcast launches by subscribing here!
Subscribe to Wildflower Hope here:
…and if you Still have time to linger here with my honest heart (yay!), I hope you take the time to read The Miracles of New Life series here. This is our story of God hunting his children down with His goodness, even in the valley of the shadow of death. He never stops chasing us.
He is never done. Eternity is our future. That is our hope when life hurts so deeply.
