Mighty not Merry.

 

8 months.

That’s 243 days since I felt her heart beat against mine.

I hate that I can’t tangibly feel her beautiful pounding heart muscle anymore with my hands or my chest or my cheek.

We all just loved pressing our faces deeply into her brave scars that traced the handiwork of our mighty God and being near her and all her spunkiness to listen to the actual Rhythm of our miracle girl.

She had the coolest most amazing drum beat sound because of her mechanical valve. We never even needed to use our stethoscope to count her beats, and it was always music to our souls.

She was super proud of her brave heart too and loved showing it off.

We loved that.

We all wanted to be so close to hear that sweet powerful song that echoed from her tiny body because Being near our Gia-Bia was a constant tangible reminder of the goodness and Power of our great God. Her life is a witness.

The “seen miracles” completely poured out of every cell of her precious squishy body.

It’s so hard not being able to touch and hold her and squish into her precious chest anymore.

It’s a searing pain that reaches dark depths of the soul’s abyss that I didn’t even know existed before.

Yet, we feel Jesus reaching down deeper into that bottomless chasm in way that I never knew was possible.

He truly is so near to the brokenhearted.

To know true sorrow is to know His true heart.

That’s the treasure in the darkness.

His fierce fellowship. His understanding of our sorrows like no one else really can.

He is the good news in this darkest weary winter of our souls.

Christmas is a weird stupid planet without part of your heart here with you to celebrate.  It feels like a face slap or a constant panic attack.

It’s hard to navigate a strange land that used to be so wonderful.

I have never been more thankful for those precious fellow-travelers who are not afraid of the strange land of grief and seem to know how to bravely come close and hug our hearts through prayer, through saying HER NAME, through seeing our ache and through remembering Gia-s light with us in various special surprising blessed ways.

THESE GIFTS are NOT lost on us…..especially when her siblings are so intentionally included into the embrace.

You can not love a mama more than when you hug their hurting child and see their pain and let them know you ache with them.

 

 

These gifts are balm to our broken hearts.

Never underestimate the comforting power of saying the name out loud of someone who is lost and loved.

THIS is the greatest gift. THIS is a great act of LOVE.

Say her name with us.

Recognize that GRAND CANYON HOLE out LOUD with us.

I love how children naturally know how to do this.

My kids know how to bring Gianna with them in their hearts.

 

Watch how children grieve, and watch how they minister to those who grieve… they can teach us so much.

 

So, during advent, it’s been our goal to let our littlest ones lead the way, because Children just know how to keep Christmas simple and to keep those we love close.

Quite simply, They lead us to joy. They naturally find the pockets of joy.

 

What a gift our children are!

 

 

Christmas has been very painfully simplified for us and that is necessary for our broken hearts.

The superficial “Merry” and hustle of Christmas is rejected. As it should be.

 

 

 

Everything kinda pales…when held against the real promise of advent.

Traditions pale, gifts pale, Christmas cards pale, shopping pales, decorations pale…It all just goes so dim and meaningless and falls to the background when all you really want, you just can’t have, and that reality then morphs into a desperate need for real hope…for real Christmas.

 

“MERRY” CHRISTMAS becomes stupid… without your youngest baby to shop for, bake with and decorate her tree with.

“Merry” traditions get emptied when your Christmas now has a Grand Canyon sized hole in it.

CHRISTMAS traditions have a tormenting way of magnifying that crater in front of us.

We have had to choose wisely the ways we see and do Christmas and give the moments that we do choose more meaning as we let our hearts grieve this Gia- Grand Canyon- hole.

It’s hard to navigate a strange land that used to be so wonderful. It feels like a gut punch, honestly.

Grief changes everything.  It is suppose to.  How can it not!? HOW can it not!

We give ourselves grace…..because that is the only way through the wilderness. We give ourselves space to focus on our mighty HOPE.

Jesus coming down to adopts us” now becomes our literal survival. ….

 

Maybe the “Merry” part will one day return but it will forever take a back seat to the “Mighty” that has revealed itself…

because we are changed forever…. aching forever for that “unseen promise.” that was birthed into a dark weary world over 2000 years ago.

And a sassy, spunky, amazing little girl led her family to understand the true meaning in this life.

 

And that will NEVER be lost on us. That changes how we live.

The incomprehensible pain literally draws us to the miracle of the birth of incomprehensible HOPE.

It’s not “merry” at all.

That word almost feels stupid to our shattered hearts.

But, It’s “mighty”….. mightier then we ever realized before.

Our greatest PAIN has magnified our greatest GAIN.

Christmas is simply and powerfully “HOPE” to us this year like never before.

We will always keep our Gia-baby so close and near and spoken of often.

It is the only way we will walk forward without her physically here.

 

 

…by bringing her with us always.

Honoring her life always.

It’s true that our Christmas is now broken…but not without HOPE.

Because it’s been broken down to the most magnificent promise in our pain.

Jesus came down and adopted us to give us a hope and future that no one can ever take away.

That is MIGHTY good news to my weary heart.

He rescues.

JESUS promises a reunion and joy with our baby girl that will never be stolen from us. This truth will never be stolen.

That’s the truth that gives everything else meaning.

That’s our CHRISTMAS joy in the gut-punching “Merry” of the season.

That’s why we will celebrate, even in our grief. Not because it’s Merry but because it’s MIGHTY. ….mighty to SAVE us!

That is why we chase JOY with our family.

When the pain is magnified, so is the promise.

Our painful Christmas is filled like never before with a mighty joy- promise that takes our breath away and keeps us fighting for what really matters in life.

Gianna had a way of helping us to see what is truly important in life and she still gives us this gift every day from heaven.

In fact, she shouts it from heaven in her same spunky ways she did on earth.

We still feel our Gianna’s heartbeat song of brave hope echoing in our broken hearts. But we feel it in a different way.

It’s an unseen miracle that takes faith like never before to feel and see.

Her sparkly life and brave fight and contagious joy that graced us for over four “not enough” years continues to grow us on Earth as we honor her meaningful life in the ways we need to, the ways that matter….and choose to focus on the “unseen promises” of God.

 

CHRISTMAS will forever ache and forever be broken without our Gianna.

But Jesus coming to us is HOPE crashing in to this broken world.

 

Gianna will always reflect our living, LIT-UP, HOPE.

That is Mighty Christmas to our broken hearts.

We miss you and all your shiny sparkle, our sweet Gia-Bia.

 

We’re 8 months without you, yet somehow 8 months closer to you too…

Your life Keeps growing us, sweet Lovie.

We will always let the gift of your life grow our hearts forever.

We walk brave and choose hope and chase joy because you showed us how.

We take you with us in our broken hearts forever.

Not Merry Christmas, but “Mighty-Christmas”, Gianna Lilyfaith.

I can not even imagine the mighty birthday party in heaven for our Jesus that you get to partake in.  I bet you are sitting right next to Him blowing out all His candles like you did for each of us, you little candle-hijacker!

Oh the TRUE mighty Joy you must be experiencing right at this moment because YOUR ADVENT is done, you now get all the incredible promises fulfilled!  No more waiting for you! The BEST MERRIEST Christmas party ever is your reality!

You deserve it.

And one day faith will become MIGHTY sight for all of us here who still wait and ache.

“MIGHTY Christmas of HOPE”

#liveGiaGrowForever

“So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.” (John 16:22)