I am exhausted from crying for help;
    my throat is parched.
My eyes are swollen with weeping,
    waiting for my God to help me.

Psalm 69:3

 

I hate that it will be one year soon.

  The night closes in like never before. The depths of darkness threaten to swallow us whole this week. The guttural sobs make it hard to breathe. This week is the one year anniversary of our sweet Gianna’s  final days dancing and giggling and playing on this earth and in our arms before her three and a half week ICU battle for life would begin.

We had no idea of the storm that was fast approaching.

It was at 3 a.m. on March 28 that my beautiful baby’s heart turned against her and her mechanical valve devastatingly failed her and sent her into full cardiac arrest in the middle of the night…the darkest night of my life.  Thus, began the most traumatic and devastating and brave fight of hers and our lives which ended on April 22 at 12 am….

and we were left behind with the most broken of all hearts. 

She bravely ran to her Jesus’ arms, right into eternal LIGHT forever ….and yet,  it felt like our lights were turned out and our sun set for forever on our universe. …

This week I am walking a black night….The cries of David mirror my own heart cries…

I’m hurting, Lord—will you forget me forever?^[ 
How much longer, Lord?
Will you look the other way when I’m in need? 
² How much longer must I cling to this constant grief?
I’ve endured this shaking of my soul.
So how much longer will my enemy have the upper hand?
It’s been long enough!
³ Take a good look at me, God, and answer me!
Breathe your life into my spirit.
Bring light to my eyes in this pitch-black darkness
or I will sleep the sleep of death.
⁴ Don’t let my enemy proclaim, “I’ve prevailed over him.”
For all my adversaries will celebrate when I fall.
⁵ Lord, I have always trusted in your kindness, so answer me.
I will yet celebrate with passion and joy
when your salvation^[d] lifts me up.
⁶ I will sing my song of joy to you, the Most High,
for in all of this you have strengthened my soul.
My enemies say that I have no Savior,
but I know that I have one in you!

PSALM 13

 

 

It feels as if we are walking in an eternal night-time.

Many people are asking me  How I am?  What can I say….I am so broken and crushed by pain.  I have a knot in my stomach that is ready at any moment to explode and erupt into a volcano of tears and groans….always right there, right below the surface ready to boil over.  Most days I have been able to manage the devastating pain….tuck it away so to function.  But….This week I feel defeated. There is no holding back the tsunami of grief.

Today at our CC co-op, I could hardly stand, and function as I remembered my baby’s last day standing in that room….giggling and presenting her lovie-bunny for her presentation and just so proud of her words that were flowing so beautifully from her sweet little mouth.  I stood in awe of my baby, recording her every word….

I always stood in awe of the miracles right before me when I looked at her and all her light! I never took these moments for granted.  Gianna is the most photographed little girl in all the world because I was hopelessly addicted to recording God’s wonders!

 

But, now it’s as if these days mock me!

I am reliving the last few sacred and precious days that I was able to hold my sweet girl…and I am pondering the frustrating mystery that I had NO IDEA it would be my last days with her. I wrestle and groan and cry out over this reality and nightmare.

The enemy is closing in more so than usual to taunt me with lies and accusations of guilt and regret and all the WHAT IFs!!!! 

My soul gets tortured.

That day, her last day walking earth was like any other wonderful and light-filled day…. We collected eggs from the coop, we made a birthday video for Grandma Pat, we celebrated her Make-a-wish book that had just come in the mail! LIFE was being celebrated….LIFE OVERFLOWING!!!

 

That evening she had presented with what seemed like a tummy bug that was going around.  Her doctor and nurses gave us advice at home with how to manage her symptoms.  No one was alarmed!! We followed all the doctor’s orders. But, no one knew that in just a few hours she would be attacked!!! HER HEART WOULD FAIL!!!

She fell asleep next to mama and suddenly woke up to vomit and immediately went unconscious!

MY BABY WAS DYING!!!!! 

I carried her down the steps SCREAMING out for JESUS TO SAVE MY BABY!!!

We called the ambulance and draped over her in tears and wails of desperate prayers!

JESUS PLEASE RESCUE OUR BABY!!!

What the hell happened!!!?? 

As We reflect back to those wretched dark hours….and in our weakness, it is easy to stumble…and give an open door to the enemy and his lies…

THIS is destruction.

THE PIT OF HELL that overshadows all the LIGHT.

The attacks from the enemy and father of all lies!

I start to get so mad at myself al over again…like a viscous cycle!!! 

I feel like I failed my baby!! Oh Jesus, I failed my baby!!!!

What could we have done differently?

How could we have saved her?

What if we had made this decision or that decision…what if we had done that instead?? 

What if we had known ….Oh Jesus, we should have known!!!???????

It feels like the depths of Hades is sitting on my throat as I battle the different scenarios and regrets and what iFs !

This is destruction….. This is darkness. There is no peace in this ….

 

 

There is no peace in these lies of the enemy…they chew me up, swallow me whole and spit me back out and kick me to the ground and stomp all over me…over and over and over …. like the bully that they are.

The deepest pits.

It is a deep deep black hole of despair as I walk through those final days torturing myself about how I feel I failed my baby girl. 

It is a road to nowhere…a downward cycle to the depths of hell, a trap and snare set by the devil to tempt me to doubt God’s sovereignty. ….. But, still it holds me tight at times and if feels as if there is no escape as it chokes me of vital oxygen.   

It is the blackest night of my soul and the deepest pit of emptiness. 

In those dark moments I feel the light will never shine again, and the tears will never dry up, and the morning will never come back …the sun will never rise and the deep ache will drown me forever.

My heart feels an actual painful throbbing and bleeding out.  

 (psalm 6:6-10)

 

But, a Song saves me. Literally saves me.

My night song becomes the words of David’s heart…. as I flip through my beloved Holy book of David’s Psalms.

His lament becomes my Lament…..His heart cries to His Daddy in Heaven are the only words that open my eyes to the LIGHT in the darkness. His Cries Become my cries.  HIS wrestling becomes my wrestling….

His Light becomes my LIGHT!

Reading Psalms calms my heart and helps me to know JESUS is right beside me in the pit and cave of despair fighting the enemy of lies for me…my greatest advocate.

HE is with me in the NIGHT and opens my eyes to TRUTH when the enemy keeps whispering all his lies.

 

 

But I keep calling out to you, Yahweh!
I know you will bend down to listen to me,
for now is the season of favor.
Because of your faithful love for me,
your answer to my prayer will be my sure salvation.
¹⁴ Pull me out of this mess! Don’t let me sink!
Rescue me from those who hate me and from all this trouble I’m in!
¹⁵ Don’t let this flood drown me.
Save me from these deep waters
or I’ll go down to the pit of destruction.
^16–17 Oh, Lord God, answer my prayers!
I need to see your tender kindness, your grace,
your compassion, and your constant love.
Just let me see your face, and turn your heart toward me.
Come running quickly to your servant.
In this deep distress, come and answer my prayer.
¹⁸ Come closer as a friend and redeem me.
Set me free so my enemies cannot say that you are powerless.
¹⁹ See how they dishonor me in shame and disgrace?
You know, Lord, what I’m going through, and you see it all.
²⁰ I’m heartsick and heartbroken by it all.

Psalm 69: 13-20

 

 

 

 

My Fighting words in the blackest pit.

This is my Night Song.

 

 

I am burdened and broken by this pain.
When your miracle rescue comes to me,
it will lift me to the highest place.
³⁰ Then my song will be a burst of praise to you.
My glory-shouts will make your fame even more glorious
to all who hear my praises!
³¹ For I know, Yahweh, that my praises mean more to you
than all my gifts and sacrifices.
³² All who seek you will see God do this for them,
and they’ll overflow with gladness.
Let this revive your hearts, all you lovers of God!
³³ For Yahweh does listen to the poor and needy
and will not abandon his prisoners of love.^[e]
34 Let all the universe praise him!
The high heavens and everyone on earth, praise him!
Let the oceans deep, with everything in them, keep it up!
³⁵ God will come to save his Zion-people.
God will build up his cities of Judah,
for there his people will live in peace.
³⁶ All their children will inherit the land,
and the lovers of his name will live there safe and secure.

Psalm 69: 29-36

 

 

He is near, He closes the mouth of my enemies and positions me to face a coming sunrise. 

HE SHOWS ME TRUTH….TRUTH WINS.

He is sovereign…. 

This cycle of Despair will repeat itself many times a month, a week, even a day ….

It is the curse of this broken world… It is grief!

All I know to do, is to grab at His Oxygen and to sing my NIGHT SONG.

The song of my Savior and His truth of light in the darkness is my only RESCUE.

David’s songs rescue me from the pit of despair.  I can NOT fight this enemy, this bully alone.

ONLY when I reach for the LIGHT of truth does the darkness turn off.

The TRUTH that sings into my darkness.

The only song that comforts my broken heart.

I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
²He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
³He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.” (psalm 40:1-3)

We fought and prayed and begged for miracles for 26 heart wrenching, yet hope and miracle filled days. 

SO MANY WONDERS and MIRACLES our GOD DID those sacred 26 days.

Miracles even the doctors admitted to!

God did show His glory in many earthly ways!

We were just hours from yet another LIFE saving surgery that was just about to be performed.

So SOOOOO much HOPE and belief for what GOD WOULD DO!! It felt like the whole earth was praying and interceding with FULL belief of healing! Oh the army God raised up for my baby!!!! It was a BEAUTIFUL SIGHT TO WITNESS over 12,000 People joined in such HOPE AND Belief!!!

But, it was not the story we hoped for. 

It was a devastating damn brain bleed that took my baby down right before her hopeful earthly miracle!

 

She was afflicted on Wednesday April 18 and we were told nothing could save her. 

Yet we sang on,  rebelling against their unbelief with absolute HOPE!

We were prisoners of HOPE!!

 

 

We did not believe those doctors…WE HELD ON TO SO MUCH HOPE FOR MIRACULOUS HEALING!

GOD WAS ABLE!!!!!!! We would believe NOTHING LESS!!

WE SANG… WE LIFTED UP PRAISE!!! We sang until we lost our voices.

Grandparents gathered around and joined us in our Anthem of HOPE!

We sang our night song of HOPE!!

We praised God in the pits of the dark valley of death.

WE NEVER STOPPED SINGING for LIGHT in the darkness.

 

Even after they told us there was no HOPE for healing or saving….

We sang in HOPE. 

The most broken of all Hallelujahs…. 

Prisoners of HOPE

 

 

 

 

But, God is God and we are not.

God chose not to give an earthly healing.  He chose a higher miracle that defeats even the grave.

A higher miracle then any surgery  or doctor or medicine could have done for her. Her heart fully healed. 

How can the greatest miracle slay us the deepest?

How can the greatest healing be the most painful?

How can the sweetest of all victories feel like the most  hopeless of all defeats?

OH WHY JESUS?? Why is this your plan!!???

 

I will never understand you, Lord! 

I will always wrestle while on this earth with why you chose this path…  

My feelings will always be in a battle against the greatest TRUTH!

 

 

 

 

I will never be okay with this brokenness.

NEVER.

I will NEVER be okay with not having my baby beside me, in my arms.

I will never get over the earthly loss of my baby girl.

I will never move on.

I will never heal fully until I am standing on the shores of eternity gripping her so closely to my heart in pure JOY and Newness and celebration of all that is wrong made wonderfully RIGHT!

 

Because I am a prisoner….a prisoner of HOPE, shackled to HOPE until my eyes fully see His promise delivered!

 

 

I will never understand HIM!

But, I will always trust my Daddy in Heaven, even when I do not feel like it. 

Because HIS TRUTH and PROMISE of Eternity and DEFEAT over the grave IS my

NIGHT SONG….

I will move forward in THIS TRUTH, even while I get knocked down over and over again…. I will rise with my NIGHT SONG.

WE WILL KEEP RISING and believing and reaching for the LIGHT of Truth!

I will carry my baby girl with me always..as I walk forward…. forever… until I hold her again on the other side. 

I will never let her go.  

I will never LET GO OF THE PROMISE and LIGHT OF HEAVEN.

This world will never hold me. I will grieve and HOPE.

I am forever untethered from this earth and forever anchored to my real home.

Gianna and her beautiful forever life is a reflection of our LIVING HOPE!

Her JOY is our Joy in our darkest night.

His VICTORY over death is LIGHT TO MY SOUL and is the only rescue from the pit of HELL.

I WILL STOMP on Satan’s head with my NIGHT SONG!

 

 

 

 

I will offer a sacrifice of praise in my darkest night.

Even when I can not breathe, I will reach for the HOLY Laments of Light! 

 

My Night song saves me and Rises  me up to see the coming LIGHT.  

 

…even in my deepest darkest pits in the valley of the shadow of death….

 

Even still…. I am a prisoner of HOPE.

 

LIGHT WINS.

 

MY BABY LIVES!

DEATH HAS NO POWER!

But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble.

psalm 59:16