We are walking the great unknown
a wilderness that makes us feel abandoned at times despite all the head knowledge and verses put before us.
We lament. We scream. We cry. We bang on our Daddy’s chest.
There is always someone breaking down in this house. Nights are very very hard.
Gianna had such a strong vibrant and beautiful, happy (and sometimes temperamental) presence in this home that her silence just screams torture and pain at us.
Her delight with mama at everything beautiful and wonderful outside (especially in Spring) now makes my spring feel like the dead of cold winter…..and my remembrance of actual winter with her throwing snowballs at me deeply ache for an eternal winter.
I really do not have an update on how we are doing because it is just too fresh, so just assume it is bad
….very bad.
We do not lose our faith, but it is the verses of lament that speak the most to us.
Just like David said in Psalms: “My God My God why have you forsaken me”
Or Job in Job 7:7 “ Remember, O God, that my life is but a breath; my eyes will never see happiness again”
Yes, this is what actually brings me comfort, knowing heroes of faith felt abandoned and desolate too.
My God knows.
He does not expect us to “stop sulking” or “just let truth win”…or not be angry or filled with anguish.
He wept.
JESUS WEPT TOO when his friend Lazarus was dead. Even though he knew He was going to raise him to life.
HE WEPT with Lazarus’ grieving sisters, Mary and Martha.
HE WEEPS WITH US.
Jesus is compassionate.
He is broken over this broken world too.
This world was not how GOD intended it to be. DEATH was not supposed to be a part of this world.
DEATH GRIEVES GOD. IT WAS NOT HIS PLAN.
HE WEEPS WITH US.
JESUS wept in the garden before His crucifixion begging GOD to take this cup…..
He also shook his fist at GOD. “Please GOD take this cup from me!!”
GOD, BRING GIANNA back!!!!!
HE wept because of the immense pain that would be caused on His heart and the heart of his friends and family.
Even though HE knew God’s plans are for good.
Jesus battled between His heart and head too.
This broken world breaks our Father’s heart as it does ours.
JESUS weeps at the broken world.
JESUS weeps with us.
Jesus screams with us.
Jesus begs for this cup to pass too.
HE HOLDS ME…even when I do not see HIM or feel HIM. I know HE Walks with me whispering redemption and rescue In my ear.
He is the rescuer.
It will be a raging battle between our anguished hearts and our strong faith for a long time.
Just as it was in the garden for Jesus the night before HIS death….his crucifixion, GOD’s Rescue to save our broken world and conquer death once and for all.
So I do not have to grieve without HOPE.
But knowing ALL this truth, my JESUS still sweat blood with anguish and brokenness.
These are the verses of my BIBLE that bring comfort right now.
There will be no right way through this journey on earth with grief…as we wait achingly for heaven.
But I do know that we do not do it alone.
God weeps with us. HE HOLDS US. HE WALKS WITH US and keeps whispering HOPE.
When Jesus rose from the dead, he appeared to his friends. He even walked with them and was like HELLO, HERE IS YOUR MIRACLE!
…but they were kept from recognizing him because they had lost their HOPE. Hopelessness Blinded them. But HE still walked close.
Sometimes we get blinded.
It wasn’t until they were breaking bread with Jesus and under HIS teaching and smothered in HIS words of truth and love and promises fulfilled that they SAW HIM.
Because they remembered their HOPE. Everything Jesus had said before the awful tragedy was re-told to them and they remembered their HOPE.
THEY SAW HIM.
THEY SAW THE MIRACLE.
Sometimes the pain is too thick to see HOPE.
But He never leaves me there. He still walks with us, teaching us, whispering truth in our ears.
Our prayer is that He helps us SEE Him close to us in all this anguish.
Sometimes we are going to hide from you, but please do not take it personally. It’s just that we can not physically be with someone other than family at that moment.
But, sometimes God will draw us out to you as you bravely dip into our painful world and He will use your love to bring us light.
Knowing you are there for us and holding us in prayer is a lifeline above all.
Thank you to everyone who reaches out to us.
We do not even have the words to express how your love and gifts of service have been the tangible arms of GOD.
We may not be able to express thanks or even politely recognize the blessing. But, never doubt that you are not being used as a beacon of light to us.
Your messages are so loving but I lovingly ask that you do not tell us how to grieve or what we should be doing.
That can just add to our guilt and burden …..
I assure you that the whole family are getting all the counseling that we are supposed to….so do not worry about us in those terms.
I know you are trying to help, but we lovingly ask that you please do not tell us how to feel or how do walk this road well. There is no right way.
Our walk won’t look like yours but never stop gently reminding us of the HOPE OF HEAVEN.
We ask that you just walk the pain with us.
Cry with us. Listen to us.
Don’t hold us to an expectation. We will fail it and we will fail you. It’s ok.
When all else seems helpless to us, just Carry us in prayer that we SEE HIM in the pain. THAT is SO very powerful!
Yesterday I felt prayer ….I tangibly felt light break through my darkness after Iboldly posted on FB of the darkness that was smothering me.
God sent light in the form of friends who followed God’s nudges to bring us a special gift last night.
Honestly, it was very hard to come outside to see them….my face was swollen with tears and my spirit was not the most enjoyable to be around, but God drew me out and used their act of love to show me some beauty and light and mercy in the darkness.
They didn’t preach to us. They just listened, hugged and wept with us and showed us love.
Compassion is powerful.
PRAYER is powerful.
Just carry our pain with us. Whisper gently of the HOPE we cling to together.
Just Wait and ache with us for the HOPE of heaven.
And if you do not hold to this HOPE and truth that is our lifeline….pray that GOD shows you HIS Truth too.
Gianna knew her savior. She is now whole. ALIVE and happy with HIM.
We WILL See her again. But Not soon enough.
I could not imagine living in this broken world without the HOPE of JESUS as our rescue. Without the HOPE of heaven.
THE HOPE OF ETERNITY.
We can wail and scream in anguish and even bang on our Daddy’s chest with a deep down HOPE that HE will never disappoint even when heaven seems so far away.
He holds us tight, even when we do not see or feel him.
He walks with us.
Even when my heart does not feel it.
I KNOW.
We know who our rescue is and He will redeem.
We know Jesus lives
We know GIANNA LIVES forever and her miracles will continue on THIS EARTH.
Our heart and mind will be a constant battle.
We miss and ache for our squishy, precious, squealing and giggly Gia-Bia so much
… the pain just paralyzes us and makes us shake uncontrollably in desperation and tears.
Our aching prayer is that we are given the grace to SEE….to not miss the treasures out of this darkness.
Isaiah 45:3:
I will give you hidden treasures,
riches stored in secret places,
so that you may know that I AM THE LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.