Some Days…..Always…

Mama misses you my sweet lovie….so very much.

Some days I can get my grief legs under me….

But some days all I can do is crawl.

Some days I can breathe and I feel God’s light and His promises so close to my heart.

But some days, I’m literally choking on my grief.

I reach for oxygen but I gasp in sorrow and pain at your absence in our home…in my lap…in my arms.

Some days the light is reachable….other days it’s a light seen only with eyes of faith.

Some days the memories make me smile….

But some days the memories make me crawl under my covers and sob and heave.

Some days you feel close….yet some days you feel so terribly far away.

Some days I trust God still has Goodness in the land of the living. Other days the pain overshadows the promise.

Some days I lean in to HOPE. but some days HOPE feels like only a word.

Some days feelings win in my heart.

Other days… The Truth is louder…so loud like your beautiful voice when you got excited about something….like counting down to Christmas.

Always…I ache for you, my Gia-Bia.

I ache for your warm breath on my neck and your wiggly weight in my arms.

Some days I can function within the pain and grief yet other days the grief feels like a 1000lb weight.

However, my grief is ALWAYS my love for you.

Some days it’s quiet and treasured in my heart….

other days it needs to be shouted from the rooftop!!!!

This love we share is extravagant….my sweet girl.

A treasure indeed.

…but Grief is ALWAYS love that has no where to go…except up to heaven.

And that’s ALWAYS so freakin’ hard.

But…I know Jesus understands this grief. He understands it’s so hard to wait….

John 16 :20-22 brings me comfort on those days when the sea of sorrows drown my waiting heart.

So thankful my God is so deeply acquainted with my grief….He speaks my deep groans and my fierce HOPE in these words.

But know this, your sadness will turn into joy when you see me again! Just like a woman giving birth experiences intense labor pains in delivering her baby,yet after the child is born she quickly forgets what she went through because of the overwhelming joy of knowing that a new baby has been born into the world.

So will you also pass through a time of intense sorrow when I am taken from you, but you will see me again! And then your hearts will burst with joy, with no one being able to take your joy from you! (John 16:20-22)

SOME DAYS….. I lose my strength and my hope.

But ALWAYS…. Jesus stays so close to my broken heart and points me to a promise….to a JOY coming

ALWAYS…. Even on days when I can not see, He reminds me….THIS is not my home.

This is not the end.

The story is not done.

…..joy…..is coming.

Always my promise…… even in my pain.