(written on January 17th, late at night, recovering from my stomach bug) just getting around to publishing it….. ok, at this moment….I am weary…and emotional. And, not feeling so great physically. Gosh that virus KICKED MY BOOTY!!! Maybe I shouldn’t even blog in these times because who knows what kinda things will end up getting published….i’ll tell ya this much, its real and raw. Today (jan. 17)she was even MORE extra needy and insecure and I am rebounding from an awful stomach bug….not a great combo. It was harder to give when I was feeling icky. So, suffice it to say this day was no supermom kinda day…..actually, honestly people, NO day ever is. Sometimes, I feel so unable to do this. I felt that with one kid, I felt it with 2kiddos….with 3….and again, with 4. I am no stranger to the feeling of “this is so hard!” But, you know what I have learned over the years being a mommy….the hardest job EVER, well here’s my secret: I got a SUPER GOD, who fills in the holes. I really am putting a lot of faith in the verse: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Cor 12:9) Because, I don’t know ……no, I know I can’t do this in my own strength. Little Tahlia needs 150% of me to feel secure…..and, I can’t always give it (esp. when I am sick as a DOG)….and, OH THE GUILT! Like…I am gonna screw up this child because I know I am not gonna do everything right. I wish i could just do it perfectly. But, then I wouldn’t need God. Moms, you know the feeling! You know that feeling of guilt! Well, GUILT is not from GOD! Its the enemy’s tactics to beat us down so we don’t notice God lifting us up. Daily, I pray for grace to cover my shortcomings.
It makes me so sad to see her heart in comparison to my bio kids….how broken she is. Breaks my heart. I just want so so bad to fix it. I want her to KNOW I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE…makes me sad to see such insecurity in such a tiny precious heart that was designed to know a mothers love from birth. Her grief is hard to watch….especially because I can’t take it away. I guess i am not called to take it away. I am called to enter her grief! Understand it, and love her the best i can as she works through it….as we work through it together. she’s never known or experienced what forever feels like. At 5 months her birth mom was taken from her….then her life was turned upside down just 15 months later and everyone was taken from her, new land, new language, new smell, new faces…. To her little mind, this could all vanish in any second. She doesn’t understand “forever” yet. But, I am hoping that time and consistent love will show her what “forever” feels like and wash away the fears. She will start filling her memories with less orphanage, and more “home”. I wonder how many different nannies she saw come and go, how many friends she got attached to who would just one day not be there. (don’t ya ever wonder what must go through that sweet little mind) Then, I wish i was more “long-suffering and patient”. I have to deal with my selfish…….self, that wants something a certain way, and wants it that way NOW. I long to have now what I pictured or expected. I really did picture a team parenting job with daddy. With a mutual love for us both….with maybe a “small preference for momma”;)…but certainly not a flat out rejection of daddy. No, I didn’t picture this very long road of bonding with him. I didn’t visualize that wall of separation that must be worked on brick by brick by brick. No one prepared me, or maybe i just never paid attention to the warnings. I don’t know. But, it took us by surprise. God had another plan.
She has come so far, so so far. From not even looking at him that first week… to now joking with him, being silly, and sometimes letting him hold her for a couple minutes. thank God! Yes, she’s making baby steps….but with each step, there’s always that regressive step to remind us that it’s gonna take a while, and its a long road. But, I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel with a vision of a daddy/daughter relationship that will bless both their socks off! We get glimpses already….they only last for fleeting few minutes before her “default button” turns on. But, these glimpses give us hope…..
We are being humbled….
She has us on our knees.
I want so much to be emptied of me, and filled with God so that “through Him” I can give EVERYTHING TO HER THAT SHE NEEDS. But, when I fail, I pray the Lord’s grace would cover that and meet her needs through His miraculous powers.
She is such a precious little one.
we are so blessed to have been chosen to be her family.
Updated:
wait for me!!!!!!
Ashy showing her how it’s really done!!!
Now she tries!!!
Nana time!!
She loves her Bella!!!
I love all of your thoughts and what God is teaching you through this hard time…and also through those beautiful moments when you see a light at the end of the tunnel. much love to you friend! you inspire me!