"The desert will rejoice and bloom like a Wildflower"
Isaiah 35:1

The day I dreaded for 263 days….BUT GOD

3 days ago I had to wake up and put my feet on the floor and face the hardest day of our lives since we had to give our Gia back to Jesus 263 days ago.

I knew Christmas had to come.  I knew New Year’s would probably have to come too.

But, I never EVER wanted to see January 10th on my phone screen again, not without my baby in my arms squealing in my ear about how totally awesome the day was going to be ….ya know, because it was, after all, “HER” BIG BIRTHDAY DAY….and it would be ALLLLLLL ABOUT HER!

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I thought, for sure, Jesus would come back before such a terrible day arrived.

How could He possibly allow this day to arrive?

I dreaded, with every fiber of my being, having to celebrate my baby without her tiny hands wrapped around my neck….without her sweet breath blowing out her candles with her big sissy (birthday buddy)…without hearing her high-pitched squeals as she opened her sweet new doll baby, or her newest  soft lovie that would soon have the fluff squeezed out of it…because that is how Gia loves…Gia loves fiercely!

It is all torture….It is all NOT OKAY.

how do you put your feet on the floor and face a new sunrise knowing you can not kiss your baby girl on her 7th birthday? It is unfathomable…..

But, we all had to do it.

We had to face the LION and….

God’s grace carried us….

We made it through….by His strength alone.

And I am so SO SO SO  proud of my brave family for walking through another hard day, week, month….

 

My tribe is the bravest people I will ever know, ever!

 

THE BRAVEST BEINGS EVER!

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…for many weeks we deliberated about how in the world we celebrate a heaven birthday of the most precious person ever?

I just prayed and begged God to just somehow give us joy, on the hardest day of our lives.

Somehow show us Gia’s Heavenly Happiness!

He did.

He gave us the idea to go chase Gianna’s joy….even when the immense pain threatened to smother and drown us…We just had to seek out HER “HEAVEN JOY.”

So….we took a trip to the Philly Butterfly Pavillion and that is exactly where

joy found us….

We did not have to seek it out.

By God’s grace

JOY CHASED US!

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We giggled, we twirled, we squealed like Gia, we danced, we skipped, we chased, we dreamed and we held joy and felt peace….even within the pain.

The butterflies came close to our broken hearts, and so did Jesus. We held them in our hands, as if holding a tiny piece of heaven.

That is God’s grace.

All HIS GRACE.

 

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 … and did I mention that we basically had the whole pavilion to ourselves! There was just one other sweet lady with us for part of the time and she was just as in awe of the HEAVENLY beauty as we were! She so kindly even took photos for us too and I was later able to share Gia’s story with her.

Gianna’s bright light spreads everywhere!

Our favorite butterflies were the bold bright beautiful blue ones!

Gianna’s favorite color is blue!

These butterflies were extra special. They just danced around our heads and invited us to come close and hold all their beauty.

It was just magical and heavenly!

It was truly a glimpse into heaven.

 

I couldn’t help but to feel as if God was teaching me a powerful Gia-lesson through this blue incredibly beautiful butterfly.

See, when the butterflies wings were closed…..it just looked dull, brown and so lifeless…..So sad in a way.

BUT….when she opened her wings, it was like she opened her heart and there was this explosion of color, of  life and of brilliance!  She did not hold back and she danced with joy!!

 

 

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It reminded me of my heart.

How easy it is, with my baby girl in heaven, to default to keeping my heart closed off and not let any light in….and to hide under a rock and blend in with all the dead dust of the earth.

But, when I bravely open my heart and fly and rise above what I see and look up….I feel this wave of color and light that literally floods my soul.

But it takes boldly and bravely allowing your heart to fly free…even in the immense deep grief.

It is so hard! The hardest work I have ever done!

But my Gianna’s blue butterflies will forever remind me to keep my heart blazed wide open …. so all of the Gia-color can be seen and felt in my life.

So I can reflect her love and life and Hope!

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Gianna’s miracles go on forever and I will certainly not see them if I keep my wings tightly closed and if I refuse to fly!

I do not want to miss the beauty from the ashes!

We feel heaven come so much closer when we are loving big and extravagantly and chasing joy and HOPE like our Gia-Bia!

And, I always want heaven to feel close.

That is where peace is found.

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And in pure Gianna celebratory style, we had a weather alert come on our phones on our way home from the butterfly pavillion telling us about how a storm “named GIA!!” was on its way to dump beautiful amounts of white fluffy snow on us….

Gianna wanted to whole country to know it was her birthday and she was having the biggest celebration in heaven!

It was evidently the 7th storm of the season, on Gianna’s 7th birthday.

ONLY GOD!!

 

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And the snow came….

And we knew Gianna’s joy could NOT be contained in heaven alone!

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Her joy was leaking out of the blue sky in the most beautiful way…forcing us to smile and laugh and LOOK UP.

Because we could just picture her talking to Jesus and both of them planning the extravagant way that they would let us know, with the most wonderful heaven love note ever, that SHE IS CELEBRATING and happy and IT IS SO SO GOOD!

 

 

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White beautiful snow….pure GIA- happiness!

I could almost hear her squealing from heaven when the first flake fell on Morning Glory Farm.  I stayed up late to watch the snow, because this was Gia’s heaven snow!

God’s gift of Grace.

 

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Our Beautiful Gianna Lilyfaith.

You are 7.

We’ve had the honor to celebrate 6 of your seven birthdays.

Oh the joys of celebrating you!!!!

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We’ve celebrated while separated from you and waiting to run to you in China…

we’ve celebrated you while bedside with you in the hospital…

we’ve celebrated you in two different homes…

we’ve celebrated you in your beloved Nicaragua…

 

 

and now ….for your heaven 7th birthday, pain threatens to stomp out the joy.

This day was the hardest by far and the tears won’t relent as we have to be separated from you😢.

It hurts terribly But we chase joy in your honor to celebrate your amazing miraculous life and the gift you are to us forever.

Each day we feel farther from you… though with each day, we are closer to our forever with you.

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You make us brave, baby girl, and your life forever shines Jesus and Joy and HOPE. ….

If only heaven would allow your Broken family to peek into all the joyous celebrating you must be experiencing at this very moment.

I can only imagine YOUR JOY through the butterflies and snow. But it feels very palpable in an almost supernatural way,  and that is a gift.  

We miss your squeals.

Oh how I would give my life to squish and smell your cheeks again😭.  To feel your intense grip around my neck!

 

She had the most beautiful way of gripping my neck with such intensity. .
I miss those precious fingers

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Her dainty little fingers Firmly pressed into my jugular, right over my pulse…cheek to cheek, as if to say, “mama, we will always press on and bravely fight for love and life together!”
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Gia loved and loves so fiercely without ever holding back…. .
I want to love like she does. .
I want to love with such intensity that keeps fear at bay!
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Always. Always loving despite the risk. .
Everyday I wear her tiny fingerprint around my neck to always keep her fierce “Gia- love” so close to the pulse and rhythm of my life
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She is always with me … Always with me.
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Forever Pressed into my spirit…
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Eternally teaching us how to love bigger, better and braver. .
I’m Changed forever by the Beautiful gift of her love

 

WE ARE ALL FOREVER CHANGED BECAUSE OF THE GIFT OF YOU!

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You are our beautiful baby girl forever and ever.

Forever is our promised hope.

Never complete again till heaven.

Keep shining and sending us all the love notes baby-girl. We are always watching and looking for you!!!

We love you, Gia-Bia.

Sending so many squishy hugs and kisses back up to heaven for you!

 

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One thought on “The day I dreaded for 263 days….BUT GOD

  1. I sat here reading this, trying not to burst into tears, when I realized that I had forgotten that I needed to get my son on his bus! Sure enough, I opened the garage door and there they were waiting for us. 😂 Oops! Thabkfully, I didn’t end up running out there in a blubbering mess!

    But after getting him loaded up, I came back in and finished reading your beautiful words, through tears.

    I just want to thank you for sharing your faith, your moments of darkness, and your journey in grieving your loss as you hold onto His promises and hope. Thank you for helping others see that the eternal is connected to the here and now, that God walks with us in the darkness, and that He offers hope on the hardest of days.

    I’ve thought of you and your family countless times and have prayed for His comfort, presence, grace, and blessings to cover you all. Your story, Gia’s life, has reached more people than you realize. Thank you again, for sharing in vulnerability and truth. ❤️❤️❤️

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