I am currently sitting in my local Starbucks, writing…reading and making space for soul care. The introvert in me loves to hang out for hours making time to create. Many don’t understand how I can get lost in a book, a blank page, or even song lyrics or a poem….by myself…for hours on end and be so nourished from it. Or perhaps many of you “do” understand, and if so, well… YOU are my people and I get you too.
It is no coincidence that while I write, I am sitting right across from a huge poster diagram on the Starbucks wall about the life-cycle of the Coffea Arabica Tree. Yup..even in the dead of winter, God still finds a way to speak to my soul through His creation… even in Starbucks. There is the visual of God’s ways illustrated right in front of me, lest I forget as I write from my heart.
He always wants to remind me of truth when I get lost in my ache.
There is truth told from a seed’s life. A Seed can hold such a grand story, can they not? In fact, Jesus used the seed of wheat to tell the story of His kingdom hope.
I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels—a plentiful harvest of new lives. 25 Those who love their life in this world will lose it. Those who care nothing for their life in this world will keep it for eternity. (John 12:24-25)
My gardener heart is always in awe of The stories found in creation, so I think a lot about seeds. It mystifies me how the most arduous work of a flower or tree actually begins underground in utter darkness, where no one sees. Most of a tiny seed’s narrative is lived in a dark, messy and dirty hole. And, that seed must literally suffer to be able to bloom fruit one day. That seed must get crushed to create beauty. It must Die to grow. It must be wrecked to multiply itself.
And, By the time we see it’s grandeur in the garden and above ground, we tend to forget the fight of survival and wreckage that happens underground. But, we sure do enjoy it’s glorious blossoms, don’t we?
But, there’s that soulful part of me, that broken part of me that can never look at a tree or flower again in the same way. I have come to truly appreciate it so much more, all that beautiful growth in the sunshine. Because, In order to fully honor the bloom that happens in the light, you have to make space to understand the story that is lived in the darkness.
When you think about it, when you take time time to read a tree’s story….you come to realize that every tree tells a story of Hope.
Every tree is evidence that life grows from the depths of darkness. It is so fitting to me that A Tree is a symbol for Christmas. A tree, alive and green was born from a suffering seed….
Green…. My eyes desire to see the green above the ground.
This past week was filled with the tension of both joy and pain through a special birthday and a special Gotcha Forever Day (you can see some glimpses into this joy in my instagram or facebook!)
It feels like this whole season can be a landscape of ache amidst the Joy. Where the Christmas tree stands, there can be garden of sorrow that surrounds it.
Celebrating is joyful. It really really is.
But, When you carry great grief, the pains of loss are magnified In times of celebration. It doesn’t seem fair does it? But to genuinely allow yourself to feel the joy, you have to feel the pain too. Numb yourself to one, and you’ll also miss the other. Close your eyes to the dark hole and you miss the seeds that hide there. It’s a package deal. Sorrow must have a place at the table. A dark hole must be allowed to take residence.
And it is all so wearisome, isn’t it? So exhausting to make space for all of it.
I miss when holidays, birthday and other celebrations of life were not hard and all was happy, with no hole that wanted to swallow me up or make me a student of Truth. And, honestly, it’s this constant dance of both sorrow and joy which can leave me so tired and tempted to fall into a pit of despair.
Walking with grief means learning to walk hand-in hand with light and darkness, while fighting the temptation to fall into despair.
But, great Grief has taught me to make more room for a greater hope.
It has been in the deepest night of my soul that I have learned the difference between despair and darkness.
What is despair, really? What is this chasm between the two entities?
I have learned that Despair is darkness ….a darkness without Jesus.
Despair is a sorrow …a sorrow without joy.
Despair is an empty manger ….an emptiness without a lowly baby-king.
Despair is darkness…..a darkness without treasures.
Despair is a midnight….a midnight without a coming dawn.
Despair is a dirty- dark hole …a hole without the new seed of promise.
Despair is that same seed …a seed without a master gardener to cultivate it.
Despair is crucifixion….crucifixion without resurrection.
Despair is utter darkness without the cross to lay a bridge of HOPE.
Darkness is not the enemy… If it were, then Isaiah would not speak of treasures to be found there…
And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness—
secret riches.
I will do this so you may know that I am the Lord,
the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name. (-Is. 45:3)
Darkness breeds HOPE.
The delivery room that caught the world’s greatest treasure was a dark midnight stable with only the stars to give light….The greatest seed of HOPE came through the darkest night.
Just as a seed is birthed in it’s crater of dirt, our Hope is born in the pit of our darkness. Darkness conceives HOPE.
Darkness is not the enemy, rather darkness is the catalyst for new life.
The crushing pain that finds our weary souls in the darkest night has the supernatural power to break through the despair and concieve new life.
I cling to the promise from Isaiah:
In the same way, I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born.” (Is. 66:9)
With my great loss, there’s always this dark hole with a place at every occasion, every event. And the courage to allow it’s rightful presence…to honor it’s reality and to seek its treasures, without allowing the voice of despair to have a louder voice, is such wearisome and precious heart-work.
To surrender to the times of darkness without succumbing to utter despair is the true battle of deep grief.
I have found that the courage to sit beside the hole, to allow light to touch you in this sacred place of sadness is the mercy of our Father.
To bear witness to the garden that grows from this trench, sprouting new branches and leaves by the edge of darkness is the grace of new eyes given in the midnight of our souls.
To even have the bravery to fall into the hole at times and let Jesus cradle you is a bold mercy of love.
It is hard sacred work of HOPE.
Are you tired, fellow sojourner? I am tired with you.
It can be so exhausting to open your eyes to witness God’s hand in the dark night. It can be wearisome to be treasure hunters in the midnight season. It is a holy and surrendering work. Despair is always a given choice and it feels so right and so justified at times, does it not? It is easy to fall into despair while we stumble in the dark with fists shaking in offense.
But, when we pivot and turn away from a posture of offense….. and fall down on Him, and invite Jesus to sit with us, and lean into his presence in the darkness then ….
despair has no place where Jesus is invited to sit.
Let’s choose brave, dear friend…. Let’s choose hope.
Let’s choose to face darkness
Let’s choose to bravely hunt for treasures in the darkness.
Let’s choose to look for new life emerging from the crushing of the seeds of pain.
We are braver than we know. In our weakness, He gives new strength. His resurrection power makes me rise up and press forward.
You see, I have learned more about myself….grief has made me braver to face the darkness. and, this Darkness….. this darkness I do not fear anymore.
It’s despair that can kill me, not darkness.
How do I survive with the tension of sorrow and joy: I can courageously give my aching hole a place at the table of my life, beecause I know His promises birth new life in the depths of my darkness. I can allow darkness to sit with me and not fear it’s presence. I can embrace the ache “with” the new life. I have learned that Darkness is not a dead end, it is a place where miracles break through to conceive new light.
Darkness is a holy pathway to a promise!
The Christmas story is proof that Darkness can transform the inconceivable sorrow into new life. A seed needs darkness to find the strength to eventually grow into the light.
Jesus says there are treasures waiting there that can not be found in the light.
Light and darkness…. Both are equally important.
After all, a seed cannot grow above ground in complete light, can it? It needs the dark messy hole of the broken earth to get wrecked and eventually be rebuilt to grow upwards into the light.
As I am growing in my grief, I am learning to not be afraid of this gaping hole in my heart, or my life because this giant crater tells a story of what was, what is and what will be. Do I love this aching space? No!! Do I wish it were not a part of my narrative, absolutely yes! Does it make me angry and cuss like a sailor some days?? some moments…YES YES!
I HATE DEATH. I hate living in a broken garden… between two gardens. I am weary of a world that holds darkness.
I want my baby back. I want all things NEW now.
This is my greatest loss. My greatest love.
This hole at my table tells the story of my greatest pain, but it also tells the story of the greatest love. I would not trade my darkness, if it meant I would lose the ability to know and feel deep love of my brightest light.
We know grief, because we know love. We know darkness, because we know light.
This hole tells the story of our forever love of our beloved Gianna, who grows us forever.
This dark hole tells the story of He who sits with me in the darkest night and He who holds back the suffocating blankets of despair that wants to choke me.
Jesus is there in my painful darkness. I wait for the day when all things will be made new and darkness will no longer take up residence at our table…. So sings the promise in Revelations:
There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever. (Rev. 22:5)
But, while we wait, we do not have to fear the darkness of this broken garden….
JESUS IS THERE. So there is life. Jesus came down….
JESUS. IS. THERE!
The dark abyss is where the master Gardner is cultivating new seeds to take root for new life.
This hole is where I see Jesus. The empty manger now holds life. He’s allows me the privilege to bear witness to the miracles He is cultivating in this deep cavity of my life, if I will have the courage to embrace the painful process of grief and sorrow within this hollow place. He is forging new life, if I will have the courage to see grace and allow growth in the crushing grief.
To be brave enough to allow the billows of sorrow to grow my soul, is the greatest act of brave.
To deny the great sorrow is to deny the greater hope that grows there in the hollow ache of my soul. I could succumb to despair. I have that choice. Some moments, I feel that gravity pulling me and the waves sucking me under.
But, in that moment, I have the choice to lean in or to go numb. I have the choice to numb myself to the miracles that only HE does in this miry pit. I have the choice to close my heart to the newness of life being birthed from the crushing process of grief. I have the choice To dull the pain instead of embracing it. To feel despair instead of love. To not allow the potter to remake the clay. To not lean in. To not be remade.
I have the choice to not allow God access to my pain.
I have the choice to resist the pain, hold back tears, and not engage my sorrow…. but To deny pain is to not allow the birthing of new life. Jesus wants to come into the hole of despair and do His greatest work in our darkest affliction. He is not afraid of all our sorrow. Afterall, He is the man of great sorrows. He was birthed into sorrow to forge a pathway to HOPE.
That was HIS story, so that HOPE could be OUR story.
That is the cross-template of the Christian life. HE showed us how to walk with pain, so we can follow Him through the darkest night….to seek His treasures and climb back to light.
He goes with us…. He understands the crucified life.
HE IS THE CRUCIFIED and RISEN LORD.
The resurrection hope does not come without the pain of crucifixion.
As I gaze at my Christmas tree with dancing Butterflies, I remember the treasures in the darkness.
Our Christmas tree Is a symbol not of “merry” but of HOPE for the weary.
Of Jesus coming down into the dark lowness of a broken world to be raised to new life and make a way for new life.
The tree is an anthem for those who sit with dark holes at the holiday table.
It’s a symbol of life from death.
A story of Hope come down to save our weary souls from the holes of despair. Jesus came so low, into a dark night and humbled himself so he could climb inside our holes with us and save us to make something new from the crushing weight of sorrow. He came so He could take our greatest darkness and turn it into light. HE came so low to grow life around the edges of the pain’s deep abyss. Only He has the power to cultivate life from the seeds of great loss. He grows treasures in the darkness which dissipate the cloaks of despair.
He busted through heaven that dark night To turn the dark holes of our lives into a place of dawning promise.
He came to not only to sit besides us at the edges of our greatest darkness, but to fall inside with us and give us the bravery to open our eyes to the starlight promises of LIFE that is happening through the crushing seeds.
To show us his holy hands in the mess of our dirty sorrow.
He came to show us how to adorn the darkness…instead of fearing it.
To welcome the sorrow at the table.
He showed us this way by the way of the cross.
He showed us how the greatest and darkest story of sorrow, birthed the most joyful gift of eternity.
He showed us this So we could learn to sing at the tree, in our aching advent and to learn to hunt for the treasures in the darkness.
Because, Jesus is coming. Jesus is there.
Joy is there.
Our deepest holes, darkest nights are His midnight gardens of promise where new TREES OF LIFE have a forever place in our stories of death and sorrow.
All will be made new.
So, what is this HOPE that sings to our weary souls?
I have learned not to fear my most agonizing hole in the center of my life, because that is where JESUS does His greatest work. His cultivation within my deepest craters are blossoming new trees of life.
What are your dark holes? Perhaps you feel the crushing pain of sorrow sitting with you at the holiday table too.
My prayer is that you catch a glimpse of Jesus there in the sorrow.
Jesus came down, and Jesus is there …with a promise of HOPE.
Hope saves us from despair.
His resurrection cross bridges the great chasm between darkness and despair. Jesus journeyed to the darkest hell to conquer death so we would not have to voyage there alone.
And where there is Jesus, there is LIFE!
I no longer fear darkness.
Darkness is where I see My Jesus with me.
Darkness is where He crushes despair and His HOPE becomes a palpable promise of new life in the depths of our ache.
“This is my comfort in my misery: Your promise gave me a new life” (Psalm 119:50)
This is beautiful and my heart resonates with so much of what you wrote. Thankful for the Hope in the darkness.
Thank you, dear sister. God’s promises seem to magnify themselves in our deepest ache. All his grace.